Clara is THREE months old!

Clara, you are just growing up so fast! I love to see you grow and change and learn new things. I just wish it could last longer! Before we know it, you'll be sitting and crawling and walking and talking. And those things will be exciting too. But for now I'll just enjoy how small you still are.

This month it really feels like you've grown out of being a newborn and you are now a bit more grown up. You love to look at people and smile when they talk to you. You especially love to smile at Daddy, Mama, Levi, Kayden and Maddie. When I lay you down and talk to you, like when your diaper is going to get changed, you just coo and gurgle and "talk" away. Sometimes it even seems like you've got a laugh coming. You make such happy noises and your face is just so expressive. Sometimes you get a really good, loud happy shriek out and surprise yourself. It's pretty funny to watch. You're definitely learning to use your voice! Kayden keeps hearing sounds you make and thinking that you're saying your first words already but I think you have a ways to go before you start saying actual words!

You suck on your hands a lot and drool quite a bit these days! Your shirt is often quite wet when you've been sitting up. You've also started turning a bit when you're laying on the floor. Your feet push you in a circle. You've also almost rolled over while laying on the floor, though I think rolling off the edge of the blanket you were laying on helped you with that. You seemed quite happy to lay on your side, though, and suck on your hands!

Your eyes are still so blue, my girl. I keep wondering if they'll change. Nobody else in our family has blue eyes but that's not to say you won't! Kayden's were just like yours at this age and they turned into a golden hazel so we'll see what happens with yours! Your hair sometimes looks like it has a bit of a red tinge to it. And speaking of hair, you haven't lost any of it yet! It still does a perfect swirl at the back. So beautiful.

You're officially grown out of all your newborn clothes and almost out of your 0-3 month clothes. I've given away your newborn clothes to a friend and have filled your drawer with the 3 month clothes. It's interesting to see how, despite wearing the same clothes as your sisters, you each look different in them! Your growing taller all the time (you were 21.5" at your 2 month immunizations) and are getting heavier every day! The home scale says you're 11 pounds! The only time you feel lighter than I remember is when I've been holding your sisters and brother during your naptime.

You have been outside more this month than ever before, Miss Clara. You can handle the wind a bit better by now and if we find you a nice, warm, shady spot to sit, you're happy to enjoy the great outdoors. You don't like the stroller much, unless you're able to sit in it rather than lay down. I've been using my wraps to carry you around a lot lately and you seem to like them more than the stroller. You visited your grandma and grandpa Buhler at their house for the first time this month. You were a perfect traveller on the drive there (just mama and the kids!) but cried for 2.5 hours of the 3.5 hour trip home. You don't like your car seat very much, especially when you're tired, I guess.

You are full of beautiful smiles, Clara. You're usually such a happy girl. You have this smile where you wrinkle your nose when you're especially happy to see someone. You like to take everything in, often content to just sit in your bouncy seat and watch everything that's happening around you. You take all the activity and noise of your three older siblings in stride. Nothing seems to bother you with all that's going on. The only times you get fussy are when you have a dirty/wet diaper, when you're hungry or when you're tired. Oh, and when you're being held on your back. You would much rather be held upright or be sitting in our arms. You like to see everything that's happening!

You still eat every two hours during the day, unless you nap long...like you are right now. Then sometimes you'll go three hours between feeds. You usually go down for a nap after being up for about an hour, if I can get you to sleep. That means you still nap three or four times a day, depending on how long each nap is. You have started fighting sleep like crazy this month. I used to just be able to hold and bounce you for about 3 minutes with your face covered and you would be asleep but now you won't even let me hold you in the position I usually put you to sleep! Because you always want to be upright, you don't settle into sleep very easily. But once you're asleep, you sleep well! You nap in the living room in your wicker basket, surrounded by music and noise. You sleep through it all. At bedtime, you sleep swaddled in our bedroom in the playpen. You are usually pretty ready for bed by bedtime, and go to bed fairly easily around 8pm. Once you're asleep for the night, you often sleep until 2-4am and then are up for another quick feed at 7:30-8 and are either up for the day then or sleep another hour or so after that. One night this month you slept for 9 hours in a stretch. Mama likes when you do that! But I really can't complain. Being up once or twice during the night with you isn't too hard. I don't mind my middle of the night snuggles while you're young!

Clara, you are a joy to have in our family. Your siblings still love you so very much. The novelty of having you around hasn't worn off at all. They still ask to hold you nearly every day. Maddie makes sure everyone knows your name is Clara. If anyone talks about you being a baby, she corrects them and says, "That's CLARA!" Kayden loves to choose your sleepers and burp cloths. Levi holds you and burps you and snuggles you. You are SO loved by everyone in this family. Keep growing and learning, my girl! We are so proud of you!

Clara is TWO months old!

Clara, you have changed so much this month! You are growing and doing new things all the time! I can't believe you're 2 months old already! And this month you get to celebrate your 2 month birthday right in the middle of Maddie's 2nd birthday and Daddy's 34th birthday! What a special, busy week!

This month you started smiling! I keep thinking how we don't even need to try to get you to smile, you just smile all on your own. You smile when we look at you, you smile when you look at something you like, you just seem to be a smiley girl! We love that about you!

You've started talking a bit this month. I'll say something to you and you'll listen. Then you'll coo and gurgle back to me. Your voice is the sweetest thing. I love hearing you start to make noises more than just the newborn sounds (though those sounds were pretty adorable too!). You can also hold your head up like you've been doing it your whole life! Hardly any face plants anymore! Yay!

You are getting so big already. You're definitely not a newborn anymore. I weighed you today and you're already 9.5 lbs! You eat every 2 hours during the day so it's no wonder you're growing quickly! You're wearing 0-3 and 3 month clothes...though that's partly thanks to the cloth diapers you've started wearing this month. Your hair is still dark and you haven't lost much of it at all! People comment all the time about how much hair you have and how perfect it is. Your eyes are a beautiful blue. You had a bit of baby acne this month, but that seems to be clearing up and your smooth skin is coming back.

You've been drooling a lot this month. If I don't remember to put a bib on you before putting you in your bouncy chair, your sleeper will be soaked within 5 minutes. Teething already?!

You are an easy-going little girl. You're used to having noise and activity around all the time and it doesn't seem to bother you. You nap in the living room where there is constantly something going on and you sleep right through it. You are usually only awake about 1-1.5 hours at a time before another nap and you usually sleep about an hour at a time, though sometimes it's a bit longer. You sometimes have a longer stretch in the afternoon, which I'm trying to encourage because that's when your sisters and brother are in quiet time too.

Speaking of your sisters and brother, they all love you so much. They still ask to hold you every day and love to make you smile and talk to you. Your sisters love to pick your clothes and sleepers and diapers for you. I bet they'll be playing dress-up with you in no time!

Your night-time sleep is pretty good these days. You usually go to bed around 8pm, though you are often up about 45 minutes later and want to be awake. OR, you'll wake up about 5 minutes later and want to be awake. Some nights, though, I'll put you in bed, swaddled, and you'll just go right to sleep for the night. You usually sleep until about 2-3am. I feed you and then you're back to sleep until 5-6. You are usually awake for the day between 7:30-8:30am.

You are such a sweet and content girl, Miss Clara. You go with the flow and love to be held. You are such a loved and perfect fit for our family. Happy 2 months, Clara.

Clara is ONE month old!

Happy one month, Clara! 

This month has gone by so quickly. It feels like you just joined us and here you are, already four weeks old, one month! And while you still seem so new, I can also see how you've been changing and growing so much. Some days it feels like I wake up in the morning and look at you, only to see that you've grown overnight! Already you don't seem so small and floppy as you did a few weeks ago. You are getting very good at holding your head up, you love to raise your head off our shoulders and look around with wide eyes, taking everything in. You seem to be a perceptive, watchful, thoughtful girl who notices everything and listens intently when we talk to you. In the last couple days you've even given me a few smiles that I'm very sure are intentional. You have a beautiful smile, my girl. I can't wait to see more of those!

You are still wearing newborn clothes...sleepers I should say. You've only worn "real" clothes twice in your life! I can tell that you're starting to stretch to the end of your newborn size things but 0-3 month size is still so big on you! I weighed you just now on our home scale and, complete with clothes and diaper, it said you are 8.2 lbs already! You have a full head of dark brown hair that everyone comments on. Your eyes are very blue right now with no sign of any other colour yet. I wonder if you'll have blue eyes when you grow up? I do remember Kayden having very blue eyes just like yours for a few months, though, and hers aren't blue now so maybe you'll take after her and have eyes like your daddy!

You are mostly a very content baby, Clara. Sometimes your tummy seems to bother you, and then you get a little fussy. Who could blame you? Gripe water, being bounced, and sucking on a soother or finger seem to help when you're fussy. You seem like you would love to have a soother to sleep all the time but I'm not sure I want to deal with having to take it away when you're older so for now you only get it when you're fussy. You don't seem to mind too much. 

Your sleep has been mostly ok this month. You go to bed around 8 most nights and are up every 1-4 hours all night long. You have slept one or two 5 hour stretches, but that doesn't happen much. Hopefully soon you'll start sleeping longer stretches! During the day, your naps are not predictable but not terrible either. You are usually awake about an hour before you start to seem tired again. Sometimes you only sleep 5 minutes after we put you down and other times you'll sleep for a couple hours. You sleep swaddled in your playpen in mommy and daddy's room at night and in your basket in the living room during the day. You eat every two hours or so during the day and whenever you wake up at night. 

This month you have met all of your extended family (grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins) except Auntie Carrie. You've been to church for the first time and to Levi's soccer game. You don't love your car seat but usually fall asleep in it before too long. You have spent most of your time this month hanging out with me as I recover from your birth. Thanks for being such good company for me!

We are enjoying you so much, Clara. Your brother and sisters love you and always ask to hold you. Kayden calls you "Miss Clara" and Maddie will often put her face near yours and say "ooooh...Baby Cara..." Levi loves to hold you so your head is on his chest. They are such wonderful helpers and siblings. They will take very good care of you as you grow up. 

Happy one month, Clara Mercy! We look forward to continuing to watch you grow!

Things I'm looking forward to!

After posting my last blog post, I feel like I need to follow up fairly promptly with a "Things I'm looking forward to!" post. Cause there really is a lot that I'm looking forward to! So here it is, in no particular order:

- learning a new culture. I am really excited to be immersed in a totally different culture for an extended length of time. I'm excited to start to understand the things that will initially just baffle me. I'm excited to gain new insights into the ways that things can be done. I'm excited to experience a culture that has vastly different core values than Canada or the states!
- Learning a new language. Because I spent the first five years of my life in a South American, Spanish speaking country, I spoke Spanish as fluently as I spoke English for those first few years of my life. It disappeared soon after moving to Canada and I've always considered it a loss. The thought of being able to regain even a small part of that loss has me very excited. I'm excited to see how quickly it comes back (or doesn't). I'm excited to start to be able to communicate again in a language that I used to use with no thought.
- Gaining new ministry insights. While we don't know what life beyond summer 2018 will look like at this point, I think it's safe to say that our call to ministry is still there. As a pastor couple in North America for a total of nine years in our married twelve, we have learned a lot but it feels like there is still so much more to learn. The thought of walking alongside a completely different type of ministry for a season and learning what goes into it, being stretched in a new way, is appealing. I see this new experience of ministry being an asset no matter where we end up.
- Seeing the kids grow in new ways. I'm not sure what to expect with this one but I'm sure it'll be interesting! To see the kids in such a different environment having experiences they would never have here in Canada...there has got to be both growth and changes that I would never suspect but that are amazing to watch. Growth in language and bravery and flexibility and who knows what else.
- Growth in my relationship with God. How can you not get to know your maker better when distractions of comfort and home are removed and you have little choice but to run to Him every time you feel stretched thin?? This is also one that makes me nervous because growth is often accompanied by growing pains. BUT...it's always worth it. Every growing pain that got me to my 4'10" was worth it. In fact, I would have gladly taken more growing pains if I could have just passed 5'...
- Tourism and travelling and no winter for a year. Of course I'm looking forward to these things too. I would be lying if I said that I wasn't at all excited about seeing new things and experiencing new things and being in MEXICO for a winter. I mean, c'mon.
- Getting to hang out with some pretty amazing people. I happen to know a handful of Canadians who are working in ministry in Mexico in the Guadalajara area. And while I don't know them well, or haven't even really known them in the past 12 or so years (and some much longer than that!), I am not sad that I'll get to hang out with them for a few months and get to know them all over again and develop friendships with them and glean from their wisdom! This sounds like a good thing to me, a very good thing indeed!

So yes, while there are things that I'm incredibly nervous/sad about in this whole journey (see previous post), there are also many things that I look forward to! There is a mix of emotions and I sometimes fluctuate greatly in just a matter of hours. But ok. If I'm going to be completely honest, there are also many days when I just don't think much about it cause there's something kinda big happening within the week that overshadows what's coming in 6 months. Can anyone say...new baby?! Wahoo! What a crazy, chaotic, beautiful time of life.

Following God feels different at night...

Some time after you've decided to recklessly abandon reason and follow what you know God is saying and before it is completely implemented, you will wake up in the middle of the night and wonder if it's a good idea AT ALL. 

That's happened to me. It's happened a lot, thanks to baby pushing on my bladder and forcing me awake every hour or two for the past few months. It seems that it's in the twilight hours that the mind lets loose. All the doubts come flooding in. All the questions. Thoughts of "it's not too late to just tell God that actually we'd rather choose the easier road and stay." We can still back out, right? It wouldn't be the end of the world if we sacrificed a bit of what God is offering for more of what already feels safe? Would it? 

Last night, as I walked into the bathroom that attaches to our bedroom, it hit me how nice it is to have our own bathroom, right there. I walked out and saw how close it is to the kids' rooms and thought how nice it is that the kids feel secure enough in this house to take themselves to the bathroom in the middle of the night without waking us up anymore (or at least the oldest is). I walked through the kitchen and grabbed myself a cold drink of water from the fridge and thought how nice it is that it's just right there, my own kitchen. And then past Maddie's room, the one she doesn't have to share...nobody has to share because we have enough for each kid to have their own room - for another week anyway - and thought about how nice it is that we have space to spread out. And then it hit me that we're giving this up. Not only are we giving up the beauty of this home and acreage, but the comfort and convenience of all these "little" things. We will be living somewhere that will likely have more shared space. More communal spaces and fewer that belong to just our family. It will be an adjustment. And, for an introvert like me, one of the biggest sacrifices that I hadn't even considered as we started moving in this direction. 

What will life be like in 6 months? Where will we be living? What will the adjustment be like, as parents...for the kids? Will we be exhausted all the time or will there be space to breathe and spread out? In some ways it's such a small thing...but as I lay awake in the night, it tends to feel pretty huge. 

A lot of things feel huger in the night. Is it the blackness of night? The letting down of defenses that comes in the night? I don't know but it certainly is real. The thing that reassured me last night, though, was remembering how I've felt like this before. This isn't the first time I've/we've headed into the unknown because I've/we've sensed it's God leading me/us there. And as worried as I sometimes get, or as much as I sometimes dread certain parts of it, I find that things are rarely, if ever, as bad as I worry that they might be. Upon arrival, I am often quickly filled with relief because what I was worried about has been completely taken care of. 

As I turned my worries of the future to prayer, I could feel my body and mind relax and I drifted back off to sleep. The morning light always brings fresh clarity, I find. Things never seem like as big a deal in daylight. (I guess that's a big reason why I choose to walk in the Light. Because even when I'm awake in the physical darkness of the night, and worrying and fretting and groaning, I can experience that reassuring light of God if I just remember to turn my eyes to Him. Cliche. Sorry. But true.)

So the next time you see someone who just looks "so brave" for following Christ or who is doing something you feel like you could never do...know that they wake up in the night and wonder what on earth they're doing too. Or they struggle with it through the days as well. I've certainly had days when I've not loved this plan too! We're all in the same boat. God invites us all to different things, I'm not saying everyone needs to do what we are doing or what they are doing over there or over there. It is sometimes unknown and scary, even in daylight. But God does give you what you need for what he's inviting you to. He walks ahead of us and doesn't ask us to go blindly. That's reassuring isn't it? Even at 3am? I think so. 

*update* Emotions have been going crazy today, thanks to pregnancy hormones, not to mention the actual advertising of our acreage for sale began today, and so it is all seeming so much more real and exhausting. But there is also a tinge of excitement through it all. It's a weird mixture of feelings. Despite feeling like it would be nice to know what our long-term plans are, it's actually kinda nice right now to not know what we will be doing beyond spring/summer 2018. Because right now, the thought of being in ministry in Mexico long-term is just way too overwhelming to think much about. It's much easier to go knowing that we will be back fairly soon. And at that point we will discern at what's next. I am going to say with confidence, though, that at that point, we will have what we need to make the right decision. We will have the confidence and reassurance to stay if that's what we're feeling and we will have the confidence and reassurance to return to Canada if that's the direction we're sensing. Does any of that make sense? I feel like pregnancy brain is really catching up to me these days. Haha. I can't keep anything straight!

Part One

It was just over four weeks ago now that something big started happening. In the past four weeks, Nathan has announced that he's leaving his job and we've made steps toward some big changes for our family. This may sound sudden, but it has been coming for a while. Well...we've known that SOMETHING has been coming, we just haven't known what.

It all started (for me) a year ago January. At that point, Nathan was going through a rough time in his job and, like many people do when things are especially rough at work, he was wondering if it was time to move on. At that point, I was completely opposed to moving. We had just finished major renovations in our home, the home on the acreage we'd bought so we could put down roots in this area. I felt I deserved the security of living in a place long-term, of knowing that we would be here for years and years, until the kids graduated and they started bringing home grandchildren for us to love. After having moved around our entire married life, not spending more than 4 years in one place, I was ready to just be in one place. So when Nathan started questioning the length of our time in Watrous, I panicked. I didn't want to move. I wouldn't.

My gut reaction to Nathan's questions about moving really brought to light some unhealthy attitudes in my heart. No, it turned out that it wasn't the right time for us to move. But for me to be clinging to the life I felt WE had built, that we deserved, with white knuckles and not even considering that God might have something else for us...what does that say about what/who I was serving? Talk about uncomfortable! Having my idolatry become that clear? Oh boy...

And yet, in the midst of my shame, I didn't feel that the shame was put on me by God. I felt incredible grace when I went before God and confessed my struggle with the thought of moving. And I heard God begin to work on me and tell me that it's not wrong to enjoy this acreage, this home. It's not wrong to not want to move. This place and time is a gift that God wants us to enjoy. It only becomes a negative thing when we cling to it and think we are entitled to it, rather than holding it loosely, with open arms. It was incredibly helpful for me to hear this. This place is a gift for us to enjoy as long as we're here. And then, when it's time to let it go, God will continue to provide for us. And it will be good. How incredibly freeing is that?

This was no quick or easy lesson to learn. It only takes a few paragraphs to write, but in reality, it was weeks and months of struggle and pain to finally "hear" this. In fact, at many points through this period of time, I felt frustrated and like God was especially distant and quiet. It was in looking back that I recognized His voice and could clearly understand what He was saying to and teaching me. I think we often expect to hear God in certain ways. We think that if we sit in silence with our Bibles open, God will suddenly speak. Maybe we think that if we spend enough time with other believers, God will speak through them. Yes, God speaks in these ways. But I don't think we can limit God. Part of getting to know God (continually) is learning to recognize the many ways in which He speaks. The still, small voice is not always a voice like we might expect. But I do think that God makes himself clear to his children if we are listening. His children know His voice...if we take the time to listen to the voice and get to know it.

So listen. Give God room to speak and give yourself room to listen. Allow silence into your life. Spend time with other children of God. Spend time in the Word. Allow yourself to go into those difficult places in your life. Think. And ponder. And journal. And sing. And worship. Go out into nature. Explore the ways in which you can hear God and how He wants to speak to you.


When I sat down to write this blog post, I totally expected to get to what the first paragraph hints at but it went another direction and I think that's ok. It's an important part of the bigger story so I'll leave it here for today and come back to it soon and share more about where our family is headed.

Part Two

In case you missed Part One:

http://nathanandniki.blogspot.ca/2017/04/it-was-just-over-four-weeks-ago-now.html?m=1

Last spring, 2016, Nathan was about to be up for a sabbatical through our church. As I mentioned briefly in our last post, we were sensing that something was coming but we didn't know what. As we headed into sabbatical, we felt as though God was telling us to put that "something" out of our minds for the time being and just focus on resting and renewing/discovering gifts and passions (without the pressure of filling a job description or meeting deadlines for a few months). We felt very clearly that we were to plan on returning to our church in fall, without being distracted by other things. So we moved forward into this time of REST with complete freedom to just enjoy this time.

Throughout the summer (sabbatical) last year, Nathan was able to spend some time working at camp, reading more than he usually has the opportunity to, and meeting with other pastors and mentors. He had hours on the mower to listen to podcasts and pray. We had evenings unending to talk together and relax together and explore what God created us to do. It was a beautiful time, truly a gift that the church gave us.


As Nathan headed back to work last fall, we were excited about trying to integrate more of Nathan's passions into the job description and perhaps delegate some of the other things to people in the church who have more of a passion for those things. We were hopeful that the something God had planted in our minds would be a shift in job description that would allow Nathan to find life and joy in his current job. Nathan is especially passionate about teaching and mentoring, about walking with people toward God. He enjoys preaching. And he's found that youth ministry isn't as energizing as it once was. As much as he loves the youth that he works with, his passions seem to be shifting. (Not so much all-nighters, late nights, and weekend events...what?!) The more we tried to work on shifting some of Nathan's roles, the more we were realizing that those areas were covered quite capably in the church and that what the church really needs is someone who actually has passion for the job Nathan was originally hired to do. There are so many kids who will be entering the youth age in the next few years...the church really needs someone who is excited and has passion about that age group.They don't need another teaching pastor.

So where would that leave us? We went back and forth for months...do we just push through and keep doing what we're doing? After all, Nathan has had years of youth pastor experience...he could practically do the job in his sleep. But does the church want to employ someone who is half asleep...especially in youth ministry? Mmm, probably not. So do we look for something else? The thought of pushing through for the sake of staying in the same (amazing/wonderful/supportive) church and community was tempting...but where does that leave us spiritually? Plus, we still had this nagging sense that there was something coming. All summer we weren't sure if this elusive something was just a shift within our church or if it was a bigger something than that. The further into fall routine we got, the greater our sense that something was, indeed, something else...but we couldn't quite figure out what.

As we put out feelers and tentatively thought about some different options, we had a hard time finding anything that sounded like that was it. At one point, Nathan was talking with a mentor and the question came up of whether he would leave his current job without knowing what was coming next. At that point, Nathan was pretty quick to say that he didn't feel like he could do that. Needless to say, I was very relieved to hear that this was his answer! With three young kids and a baby on the way, it didn't seem like the best decision to walk away from the one pay cheque we have and trade it in for...umm...a whole lot of who-knows-what!

Time continued to move forward. One option that we were quite seriously exploring through the winter, one we thought must be it, started to look like maybe it wasn't actually it. Red flags kept popping up and we kept questioning whether they were signs to back away or risks worth taking for the sake of following God. We just kept feeling more uneasy about this potential so when we got official word that someone else had been hired, we were both relieved and felt peace. That hadn't been for us. But at this point it had been a year since we started sensing that there was something coming. It had been a year since we'd started to feel God working on us and speaking to us and preparing us for what was next. So why was it still so unclear?

Fast forward a couple days past Nathan getting the phone call about not getting the job we'd been waiting to hear about: Nathan as away volunteering at an MB Mission youth program called Soar and threw out the following text to me: "what if we took a year to just travel and homeschool and do some sort of missions?" I replied instantly with an enthusiastic "YES!" See, we had been debating how to apply to other churches within the conference while currently working at one. And even if we found a way to do this without it being awkward, did we even feel like another church was where we were supposed to be? When pastoring is all you've done, it's easy to assume that if you're feeling a nudge from the Holy Spirit, it must surely be to another congregation. And sure, the job description might be closer to what Nathan was passionate about, but I know that I didn't feel a huge peace about just applying for other pastoral positions. If we were going to be working in a church, I wanted to be at the church where we already were. I didn't want to trade in one pastoral position for another one. We love our church and don't want to leave. Plus, it just didn't seem...right. So when Nathan mentioned a year's break from life (so to speak) to do something completely different and discern what might be next, it just seemed to click. Nathan got talking with some people at Soar/MB Mission and the idea of Trek came up. Trek is an MB Mission program where people can go for 6-8 month mission experiences. It is usually single 20-somethings who apply for the program but we were assured that they do accept families and that, in fact, right then there were two other families right in our province with kids our kids' ages who were interested! Hmm...this was all starting to sound...like it had been pre-planned for us? Like maybe this was an option that we needed to at least look into?

Within the week (and may I mention, only 5 weeks ago now), we had met with one of the organizers for Trek missions and she was very excited and encouraging. We prayed with a few people who gave us a verse about not fearing (I think that one was especially for me!) and told us of a vision they had of a curtain in front of us with a hole just the right size for peeking through and that we were being invited to look through and see what was on the other side. After a year of sensing this something, a peek through a curtain seemed very welcome! The more Nathan and I talked and prayed about this possibility, the more we couldn't deny the way it seemed like it had all been laid out for us.

As we talked more about the details of this venture, we kept getting the sense that this would mean leaving job and home and just going. Going...without knowing what was next. (Cue words of mentor ringing in our heads...would you leave your job without knowing what is next...without knowing where the next paycheque is coming from?) We would take turns over the next few days and weeks asking each other if we really needed to leave Nathan's job, if we really needed to sell the house. Maybe we could keep them in our back pocket somehow and have something to fall back on if we suddenly found ourselves homeless?? But we kept coming back to the same conclusion. If we get the sense that God is asking us if we are willing to step out in faith and obedience, who are we to think we need to have a backup plan? We both have a clear sense that to be truly obedient in this situation...if we're going to really DO this, we need to give up everything - our "everything" being job and beautiful acreage - and just go. We need to step out and trust that God will catch us and provide for us and our family.

Now, an interesting part of this whole journey is that we have always felt like we had a choice in this. We have never felt like God is forcing us to do this or that he would be disappointed in us if we chose to stay. We feel like God would continue to bless our ministry here. We feel like God would continue to love us the way he always has and that he wouldn't be disappointed in us if we chose the "safer" way of just hanging tight in our home and community and job. But, we also know how we've felt this past year, having the sense of something coming and how excited that has made us. How alive we have felt when we have dreamed and wondered about what it might be. To be able to use our passions and gifts FULLY, without feeling hindered by job description or anything else...how FREEING. How EXCITING! How can we not jump in with both feet? Sure, it's scary. (Especially at 3am when I'm up to pee for the fifth time and I can't fall asleep again because I'm thinking about how much needs to be done before we leave and how we're having a baby in less than a month and how we need to sell the house and find a good home for our Lennox and how are we going to pay for this and will our family be safe and where will we live after Trek is done and what will life look like a year from now???) But I have to say, every morning I wake up and feel peace. Joy. I have no doubt that this is the right decision. Yes, it seems crazy. But it also seems crazy to say "no thanks" to what God is offering for the sake of "safety." Besides, isn't safety a little bit relative? If we were to choose logistical safety...a steady paycheque and home and safe country to live in and good school for the kids...and risk our spiritual well-being, what good is that? What is more important? I would rather know that we're in the very place God has for us, despite some risks, than to be in a place that is good and comfortable (and not without risks of its own!) and feel this nagging sense of there being something else we should be doing.

It's all very hard to describe, so I hope I've done an alright job. Like I've said, this has all been building for the past year or more so to try to condense this whole journey into a conversation just seems impossible. If you have any questions, please feel free to ask! Send me a message and I'll do my best to answer. I'll condense the details (the ones we know...there are still many blanks for us too!) below before I sign off today. We have received so much support throughout the announcing of this next step for us which has been reassuring. It's always nice to feel the body of Christ surround you and lift you up, even if you're already sure of what you're doing and where you're going. To have others encourage you and pray and say "we can see God working in this" is incredibly reassuring! Please continue to pray. I'm sure there will be many more moments of "what are we doing??" and "maybe we should just stay?" before we actually head out and many prayers for peace and details to fall into place would be so appreciated!

Who: Nathan, Niki, son, daughter, daughter, baby
What: MB Mission's Trek program
Where: at this point we are in conversation with a mission in Mexico (Guadalajara)...there would be a couple weeks of training in lovely old Winnipeg before we head south
When: Nathan will continue his work at the church until end of July or so, then will be off for a bit of family time until October when we will head to Manitoba and then on to Mexico after that. We anticipate we will be back on "home soil" again next April(??)
Why: again, see above