Following God feels different at night...

Some time after you've decided to recklessly abandon reason and follow what you know God is saying and before it is completely implemented, you will wake up in the middle of the night and wonder if it's a good idea AT ALL. 

That's happened to me. It's happened a lot, thanks to baby pushing on my bladder and forcing me awake every hour or two for the past few months. It seems that it's in the twilight hours that the mind lets loose. All the doubts come flooding in. All the questions. Thoughts of "it's not too late to just tell God that actually we'd rather choose the easier road and stay." We can still back out, right? It wouldn't be the end of the world if we sacrificed a bit of what God is offering for more of what already feels safe? Would it? 

Last night, as I walked into the bathroom that attaches to our bedroom, it hit me how nice it is to have our own bathroom, right there. I walked out and saw how close it is to the kids' rooms and thought how nice it is that the kids feel secure enough in this house to take themselves to the bathroom in the middle of the night without waking us up anymore (or at least the oldest is). I walked through the kitchen and grabbed myself a cold drink of water from the fridge and thought how nice it is that it's just right there, my own kitchen. And then past Maddie's room, the one she doesn't have to share...nobody has to share because we have enough for each kid to have their own room - for another week anyway - and thought about how nice it is that we have space to spread out. And then it hit me that we're giving this up. Not only are we giving up the beauty of this home and acreage, but the comfort and convenience of all these "little" things. We will be living somewhere that will likely have more shared space. More communal spaces and fewer that belong to just our family. It will be an adjustment. And, for an introvert like me, one of the biggest sacrifices that I hadn't even considered as we started moving in this direction. 

What will life be like in 6 months? Where will we be living? What will the adjustment be like, as parents...for the kids? Will we be exhausted all the time or will there be space to breathe and spread out? In some ways it's such a small thing...but as I lay awake in the night, it tends to feel pretty huge. 

A lot of things feel huger in the night. Is it the blackness of night? The letting down of defenses that comes in the night? I don't know but it certainly is real. The thing that reassured me last night, though, was remembering how I've felt like this before. This isn't the first time I've/we've headed into the unknown because I've/we've sensed it's God leading me/us there. And as worried as I sometimes get, or as much as I sometimes dread certain parts of it, I find that things are rarely, if ever, as bad as I worry that they might be. Upon arrival, I am often quickly filled with relief because what I was worried about has been completely taken care of. 

As I turned my worries of the future to prayer, I could feel my body and mind relax and I drifted back off to sleep. The morning light always brings fresh clarity, I find. Things never seem like as big a deal in daylight. (I guess that's a big reason why I choose to walk in the Light. Because even when I'm awake in the physical darkness of the night, and worrying and fretting and groaning, I can experience that reassuring light of God if I just remember to turn my eyes to Him. Cliche. Sorry. But true.)

So the next time you see someone who just looks "so brave" for following Christ or who is doing something you feel like you could never do...know that they wake up in the night and wonder what on earth they're doing too. Or they struggle with it through the days as well. I've certainly had days when I've not loved this plan too! We're all in the same boat. God invites us all to different things, I'm not saying everyone needs to do what we are doing or what they are doing over there or over there. It is sometimes unknown and scary, even in daylight. But God does give you what you need for what he's inviting you to. He walks ahead of us and doesn't ask us to go blindly. That's reassuring isn't it? Even at 3am? I think so. 

*update* Emotions have been going crazy today, thanks to pregnancy hormones, not to mention the actual advertising of our acreage for sale began today, and so it is all seeming so much more real and exhausting. But there is also a tinge of excitement through it all. It's a weird mixture of feelings. Despite feeling like it would be nice to know what our long-term plans are, it's actually kinda nice right now to not know what we will be doing beyond spring/summer 2018. Because right now, the thought of being in ministry in Mexico long-term is just way too overwhelming to think much about. It's much easier to go knowing that we will be back fairly soon. And at that point we will discern at what's next. I am going to say with confidence, though, that at that point, we will have what we need to make the right decision. We will have the confidence and reassurance to stay if that's what we're feeling and we will have the confidence and reassurance to return to Canada if that's the direction we're sensing. Does any of that make sense? I feel like pregnancy brain is really catching up to me these days. Haha. I can't keep anything straight!

Part One

It was just over four weeks ago now that something big started happening. In the past four weeks, Nathan has announced that he's leaving his job and we've made steps toward some big changes for our family. This may sound sudden, but it has been coming for a while. Well...we've known that SOMETHING has been coming, we just haven't known what.

It all started (for me) a year ago January. At that point, Nathan was going through a rough time in his job and, like many people do when things are especially rough at work, he was wondering if it was time to move on. At that point, I was completely opposed to moving. We had just finished major renovations in our home, the home on the acreage we'd bought so we could put down roots in this area. I felt I deserved the security of living in a place long-term, of knowing that we would be here for years and years, until the kids graduated and they started bringing home grandchildren for us to love. After having moved around our entire married life, not spending more than 4 years in one place, I was ready to just be in one place. So when Nathan started questioning the length of our time in Watrous, I panicked. I didn't want to move. I wouldn't.

My gut reaction to Nathan's questions about moving really brought to light some unhealthy attitudes in my heart. No, it turned out that it wasn't the right time for us to move. But for me to be clinging to the life I felt WE had built, that we deserved, with white knuckles and not even considering that God might have something else for us...what does that say about what/who I was serving? Talk about uncomfortable! Having my idolatry become that clear? Oh boy...

And yet, in the midst of my shame, I didn't feel that the shame was put on me by God. I felt incredible grace when I went before God and confessed my struggle with the thought of moving. And I heard God begin to work on me and tell me that it's not wrong to enjoy this acreage, this home. It's not wrong to not want to move. This place and time is a gift that God wants us to enjoy. It only becomes a negative thing when we cling to it and think we are entitled to it, rather than holding it loosely, with open arms. It was incredibly helpful for me to hear this. This place is a gift for us to enjoy as long as we're here. And then, when it's time to let it go, God will continue to provide for us. And it will be good. How incredibly freeing is that?

This was no quick or easy lesson to learn. It only takes a few paragraphs to write, but in reality, it was weeks and months of struggle and pain to finally "hear" this. In fact, at many points through this period of time, I felt frustrated and like God was especially distant and quiet. It was in looking back that I recognized His voice and could clearly understand what He was saying to and teaching me. I think we often expect to hear God in certain ways. We think that if we sit in silence with our Bibles open, God will suddenly speak. Maybe we think that if we spend enough time with other believers, God will speak through them. Yes, God speaks in these ways. But I don't think we can limit God. Part of getting to know God (continually) is learning to recognize the many ways in which He speaks. The still, small voice is not always a voice like we might expect. But I do think that God makes himself clear to his children if we are listening. His children know His voice...if we take the time to listen to the voice and get to know it.

So listen. Give God room to speak and give yourself room to listen. Allow silence into your life. Spend time with other children of God. Spend time in the Word. Allow yourself to go into those difficult places in your life. Think. And ponder. And journal. And sing. And worship. Go out into nature. Explore the ways in which you can hear God and how He wants to speak to you.


When I sat down to write this blog post, I totally expected to get to what the first paragraph hints at but it went another direction and I think that's ok. It's an important part of the bigger story so I'll leave it here for today and come back to it soon and share more about where our family is headed.

Part Two

In case you missed Part One:

http://nathanandniki.blogspot.ca/2017/04/it-was-just-over-four-weeks-ago-now.html?m=1

Last spring, 2016, Nathan was about to be up for a sabbatical through our church. As I mentioned briefly in our last post, we were sensing that something was coming but we didn't know what. As we headed into sabbatical, we felt as though God was telling us to put that "something" out of our minds for the time being and just focus on resting and renewing/discovering gifts and passions (without the pressure of filling a job description or meeting deadlines for a few months). We felt very clearly that we were to plan on returning to our church in fall, without being distracted by other things. So we moved forward into this time of REST with complete freedom to just enjoy this time.

Throughout the summer (sabbatical) last year, Nathan was able to spend some time working at camp, reading more than he usually has the opportunity to, and meeting with other pastors and mentors. He had hours on the mower to listen to podcasts and pray. We had evenings unending to talk together and relax together and explore what God created us to do. It was a beautiful time, truly a gift that the church gave us.


As Nathan headed back to work last fall, we were excited about trying to integrate more of Nathan's passions into the job description and perhaps delegate some of the other things to people in the church who have more of a passion for those things. We were hopeful that the something God had planted in our minds would be a shift in job description that would allow Nathan to find life and joy in his current job. Nathan is especially passionate about teaching and mentoring, about walking with people toward God. He enjoys preaching. And he's found that youth ministry isn't as energizing as it once was. As much as he loves the youth that he works with, his passions seem to be shifting. (Not so much all-nighters, late nights, and weekend events...what?!) The more we tried to work on shifting some of Nathan's roles, the more we were realizing that those areas were covered quite capably in the church and that what the church really needs is someone who actually has passion for the job Nathan was originally hired to do. There are so many kids who will be entering the youth age in the next few years...the church really needs someone who is excited and has passion about that age group.They don't need another teaching pastor.

So where would that leave us? We went back and forth for months...do we just push through and keep doing what we're doing? After all, Nathan has had years of youth pastor experience...he could practically do the job in his sleep. But does the church want to employ someone who is half asleep...especially in youth ministry? Mmm, probably not. So do we look for something else? The thought of pushing through for the sake of staying in the same (amazing/wonderful/supportive) church and community was tempting...but where does that leave us spiritually? Plus, we still had this nagging sense that there was something coming. All summer we weren't sure if this elusive something was just a shift within our church or if it was a bigger something than that. The further into fall routine we got, the greater our sense that something was, indeed, something else...but we couldn't quite figure out what.

As we put out feelers and tentatively thought about some different options, we had a hard time finding anything that sounded like that was it. At one point, Nathan was talking with a mentor and the question came up of whether he would leave his current job without knowing what was coming next. At that point, Nathan was pretty quick to say that he didn't feel like he could do that. Needless to say, I was very relieved to hear that this was his answer! With three young kids and a baby on the way, it didn't seem like the best decision to walk away from the one pay cheque we have and trade it in for...umm...a whole lot of who-knows-what!

Time continued to move forward. One option that we were quite seriously exploring through the winter, one we thought must be it, started to look like maybe it wasn't actually it. Red flags kept popping up and we kept questioning whether they were signs to back away or risks worth taking for the sake of following God. We just kept feeling more uneasy about this potential so when we got official word that someone else had been hired, we were both relieved and felt peace. That hadn't been for us. But at this point it had been a year since we started sensing that there was something coming. It had been a year since we'd started to feel God working on us and speaking to us and preparing us for what was next. So why was it still so unclear?

Fast forward a couple days past Nathan getting the phone call about not getting the job we'd been waiting to hear about: Nathan as away volunteering at an MB Mission youth program called Soar and threw out the following text to me: "what if we took a year to just travel and homeschool and do some sort of missions?" I replied instantly with an enthusiastic "YES!" See, we had been debating how to apply to other churches within the conference while currently working at one. And even if we found a way to do this without it being awkward, did we even feel like another church was where we were supposed to be? When pastoring is all you've done, it's easy to assume that if you're feeling a nudge from the Holy Spirit, it must surely be to another congregation. And sure, the job description might be closer to what Nathan was passionate about, but I know that I didn't feel a huge peace about just applying for other pastoral positions. If we were going to be working in a church, I wanted to be at the church where we already were. I didn't want to trade in one pastoral position for another one. We love our church and don't want to leave. Plus, it just didn't seem...right. So when Nathan mentioned a year's break from life (so to speak) to do something completely different and discern what might be next, it just seemed to click. Nathan got talking with some people at Soar/MB Mission and the idea of Trek came up. Trek is an MB Mission program where people can go for 6-8 month mission experiences. It is usually single 20-somethings who apply for the program but we were assured that they do accept families and that, in fact, right then there were two other families right in our province with kids our kids' ages who were interested! Hmm...this was all starting to sound...like it had been pre-planned for us? Like maybe this was an option that we needed to at least look into?

Within the week (and may I mention, only 5 weeks ago now), we had met with one of the organizers for Trek missions and she was very excited and encouraging. We prayed with a few people who gave us a verse about not fearing (I think that one was especially for me!) and told us of a vision they had of a curtain in front of us with a hole just the right size for peeking through and that we were being invited to look through and see what was on the other side. After a year of sensing this something, a peek through a curtain seemed very welcome! The more Nathan and I talked and prayed about this possibility, the more we couldn't deny the way it seemed like it had all been laid out for us.

As we talked more about the details of this venture, we kept getting the sense that this would mean leaving job and home and just going. Going...without knowing what was next. (Cue words of mentor ringing in our heads...would you leave your job without knowing what is next...without knowing where the next paycheque is coming from?) We would take turns over the next few days and weeks asking each other if we really needed to leave Nathan's job, if we really needed to sell the house. Maybe we could keep them in our back pocket somehow and have something to fall back on if we suddenly found ourselves homeless?? But we kept coming back to the same conclusion. If we get the sense that God is asking us if we are willing to step out in faith and obedience, who are we to think we need to have a backup plan? We both have a clear sense that to be truly obedient in this situation...if we're going to really DO this, we need to give up everything - our "everything" being job and beautiful acreage - and just go. We need to step out and trust that God will catch us and provide for us and our family.

Now, an interesting part of this whole journey is that we have always felt like we had a choice in this. We have never felt like God is forcing us to do this or that he would be disappointed in us if we chose to stay. We feel like God would continue to bless our ministry here. We feel like God would continue to love us the way he always has and that he wouldn't be disappointed in us if we chose the "safer" way of just hanging tight in our home and community and job. But, we also know how we've felt this past year, having the sense of something coming and how excited that has made us. How alive we have felt when we have dreamed and wondered about what it might be. To be able to use our passions and gifts FULLY, without feeling hindered by job description or anything else...how FREEING. How EXCITING! How can we not jump in with both feet? Sure, it's scary. (Especially at 3am when I'm up to pee for the fifth time and I can't fall asleep again because I'm thinking about how much needs to be done before we leave and how we're having a baby in less than a month and how we need to sell the house and find a good home for our Lennox and how are we going to pay for this and will our family be safe and where will we live after Trek is done and what will life look like a year from now???) But I have to say, every morning I wake up and feel peace. Joy. I have no doubt that this is the right decision. Yes, it seems crazy. But it also seems crazy to say "no thanks" to what God is offering for the sake of "safety." Besides, isn't safety a little bit relative? If we were to choose logistical safety...a steady paycheque and home and safe country to live in and good school for the kids...and risk our spiritual well-being, what good is that? What is more important? I would rather know that we're in the very place God has for us, despite some risks, than to be in a place that is good and comfortable (and not without risks of its own!) and feel this nagging sense of there being something else we should be doing.

It's all very hard to describe, so I hope I've done an alright job. Like I've said, this has all been building for the past year or more so to try to condense this whole journey into a conversation just seems impossible. If you have any questions, please feel free to ask! Send me a message and I'll do my best to answer. I'll condense the details (the ones we know...there are still many blanks for us too!) below before I sign off today. We have received so much support throughout the announcing of this next step for us which has been reassuring. It's always nice to feel the body of Christ surround you and lift you up, even if you're already sure of what you're doing and where you're going. To have others encourage you and pray and say "we can see God working in this" is incredibly reassuring! Please continue to pray. I'm sure there will be many more moments of "what are we doing??" and "maybe we should just stay?" before we actually head out and many prayers for peace and details to fall into place would be so appreciated!

Who: Nathan, Niki, son, daughter, daughter, baby
What: MB Mission's Trek program
Where: at this point we are in conversation with a mission in Mexico (Guadalajara)...there would be a couple weeks of training in lovely old Winnipeg before we head south
When: Nathan will continue his work at the church until end of July or so, then will be off for a bit of family time until October when we will head to Manitoba and then on to Mexico after that. We anticipate we will be back on "home soil" again next April(??)
Why: again, see above

Self-care and the Christian

I often remember back to an experience we had in a previous church where Nathan worked. Near the end of our time there, we were given an opportunity to seek healing and receive some intentional pouring into our lives. During this time, Nathan was needing to find other employment for a period of time. Part of the church's offering to us was the offer of their help to find Nathan a job. We felt this was a generous and caring offer but nothing ever came of it. Nathan did end up finding a job fairly quickly, but with no movement from the church. When we expressed our frustration to someone (outside our church) who we were talking with, his response was "Did Nathan find a job? Then I guess you didn't need their help." That response has always stuck with me. I felt put in my place. But when we offer to help someone, are we only obligated to actually follow through on giving that help if they can't do it themselves? It's one thing if the offer is to help if help is needed but I specifically remember the offer from our church being unconditional. When I offer someone help, I give help whether or not they can manage on their own. Help is given for love's sake, not necessarily out of necessity.

I have recently started thinking about how this applies to our relationship with God. God offers to help us. So how much should we rely on that help? Should we ask for His help in everything, regardless of whether we can do it on our own? Or should we try to make it on our own and only ask for the offered help if we find we can't manage? Should I be taking steps to greater personal health (healthy routine, stillness, self-care) before crying out to God? How self-reliant should I be? How dependent should I be?

(a few hours later)
I've been thinking lately about how I, as a pastor's wife, can make the most of the sabbatical time that is coming later this year. It would seem a shame for Nathan to be refreshed spiritually/physically/emotionally and not be able to be refreshed as a couple/family at the same time. So, to look for ideas of how to join in the sabbatical, I googled "sabbatical for pastor's wife." I came across a blog post titled "The Introverted Pastor's Wife." It wasn't about sabbatical, but it was a good read. In her post, the author talks about how she has learned how to care for herself and find balance in the "pastor's wife" role. Once I was done reading, I kept scrolling through the comments section. After a few positive comments, there were a few that weren't so supportive. One commenter in particular seemed to be quite against the post. She called the terms "introvert" and "extrovert" merely popular psychology and something to be avoided entirely. She said that God created us to have the sole identity of "children of God" and anything else should not define us (we shouldn't identify as either intro/extroverted because God didn't make us like that). She said that if we are looking to anything but Jesus for rest (time alone or with people should not be sought out specifically as a source of rest), that it is sinful and we need to repent. She basically seemed to have the mindset that we need to give of ourselves for Jesus with no concern for our personal well-being (because Jesus is all we need and provides for all our needs). And while I agree in part, I couldn't help but be reminded of what I had just written here a couple hours earlier!

So where on earth does that leave things?? Should I not pursue anything that is life-giving? Does my being refreshed in stillness/alone-ness mean nothing? Should I say yes to every opportunity with no thought to my sanity? Does God not create different people with different personalities and passions for a reason? And didn't Jesus himself withdraw to spend time with the Father without anyone else present?

Lord, what do You expect of me? What standard do You hold me to? Do You have different expectations in different cultures (this commenter and the women she was representing are from the UK)?

Is it wrong of me to say no to some ministry opportunities and choose to be involved in the ones that I feel like I can pour myself into wholeheartedly or the ones that I feel God nudging me into, perhaps despite my comfort zone? Is it missing the goal to try to feel refreshed spiritually instead of "dying to self" every day? What is dying to self? Does it mean feeling worn down and tired and continuing to push because God will provide what you need/be your rest? Or does it mean that we leave behind our earthly desires and take up God's desires for the world as our own? I think, perhaps, it's the latter...

So that brings us back around to self-care. Is self-care wrong? Is self-care just us not trusting in God-care? How much should we be relying on God for help and how much should we take responsibility for our well-being? Can you rely on God fully while still practicing self-care?

Please weigh in. I'm curious to hear your thoughts. I'm obviously still working through this myself but would love some other thoughts on it to keep me thinking! What is self-care to you? What does it mean to you to rely on God as your rest/source?

This and That

Random fact: We have a story in one of our kids books called "This and That." (blog post title, in case you have no idea what I'm talking about...and you might still have no idea but that's alright) It's about a mother cat on a farm who goes to all the animals and asks if she can use things like straw and feathers and such. And when the animals ask her why she needs the stuff, she always answers, "Oh, this and that." And the last page shows her with her two new kittens named This and That.

Anyhoo...

Potty training. Wow. It has been a process with our girl. I did one day last week where we packed away the diapers and I spent the entire day watching her closely and reminding her to "tell me when you need to pee." She did really well that day and I felt like we were going to have this pants-wetting thing nipped in the bud. BUT...nope. The next day I made salsa. And the day after that I made more salsa. And then it was Sunday and we were pooped (not literally...oh wait. maybe literally...). Monday came and I was helping Nathan with the ceiling a bit and doing stuff around the house. Tuesday I was busy around the house doing who knows what. And that was a lot of days when I wasn't watching her closely. Many accidents. Many, many loads of laundry. And a girl who doesn't seem to feel it coming, doesn't seem to mind being wet, and will NOT tell us when she needs to go or even when she's had an accident. It's quite frustrating to say the least.

me - "Kayden, tell me when you need to pee!"

K - "Alright."

me - "Kayden, doesn't it feel yucky to have wet pants?"

K - "Nopers!"

Alrighty then. I guess I'll just change your pants whenever I notice that telltale dark spot on the back. Ugh.

I'm thinking I'll need to change my approach. Perhaps tomorrow I will start setting a timer and she will be required to try to pee on the potty every hour or so. If she succeeds, maybe I'll give her two hours before she has to try again. Prizes haven't worked. She just says she doesn't want whatever it is that I'm trying to bribe her with. Potty celebration dances don't work. Huge amounts of praise don't work. Doing it because it just feels better to have dry pants doesn't work. (she loves all those things but will still choose to wet her pants if she doesn't feel like going on the potty) So I'm hoping that if I can get her used to the feeling of dry pants for a few days in a row, maybe she will start to notice that being wet feels icky and be more motivated to work at it. She's such a mystery, that girl.

Speaking of mysteries, Maddie. Sleep. Her sleep is a mystery to me. Why won't she close her eyes and sleep?? It seems like the only time she will close her eyes and fall asleep is when she is so tired that she physically cannot keep her eyes open any longer. I see her eyelids drooping and then I see her little forehead wrinkle and eyebrows go up in an effort to hold her eyes open just a few.seconds.longer... JUST CLOSE YOUR EYES AND SLEEP! You can lead a horse to water. You can even shove their face in it. But it looks like I've got a horse that doesn't drink, even when her throat is dry as a desert.

But as frustrating as Maddie's going to sleep habits are, I must say that she's a pretty good sleeper once she finally gives in to it. I don't know that either of our other kids gave us a 9 hour stretch by 10 weeks old. I'm pretty sure neither of them gave us a 9 hour stretch before they were 12 months old! (Who am I kidding..."us"? Nathan sleeps just fine. It's me who is up with the little lady multiple times a night! Forget sleeping like a baby, I want to sleep like a husband! - yes, I stole that from a shirt. But it's SO true)

So this is what my life is these days. Sleep, pee, kindergarten (but I know how shy Levi is and he probably wouldn't want me to post about him and kindergarten much so I won't...Maddie and Kayden...for some reason I just don't think they mind quite as much. Maybe by the time they're 5, they'll mind too and I'll pull back my recounting of their lives via blog). Sometimes I wonder if I should be a working mom. There are moments when I wonder if what I do is really profitable. Valuable. Maybe I'm wasting these years of my life by staying at home and not pushing myself more to get out of the house and use my brain in a different way at least a couple days a week. But you know...then I stop and think about it some more. Some people would feel like they're wasting away if they spent every day doing what I do. But who's to say that working a job or using your mind for something other than homemaking is more valuable? What's important here? Should I take my kids to daycare while I work a job I hate (or enjoy, but that's beside the point) just because I feel like I'm more valued in society if I do that? I think, when it comes right down to it, it's about what God has led each of us to do and what makes us feel fulfilled. What is life-giving to you? Is it to work a job? Then do it with everything you've got! Is it to work part time and stay home with the kids part time? Awesome! Or is what's most life-giving to you to be free to throw yourself into your home and family every hour of the day? Then do it and take great joy in it! No guilt. No inferiority. Just huge amounts of blessing in whatever you do if you're doing it for the right reasons!

I was wondering the other day about whether I was getting "dumb" because I stay at home. I loved maths and sciences in school. Math especially. Calculus was my favourite. It gave me headaches. It stretched my mind. And I loved it. Physics too. And chemistry. Equations. Formulas. Aah...the subjects where there is a clear right and wrong answer. Black and white. Everything can be neat and tidy when there are right and wrong answers. None of this grey business (though I recognize that there is a ton of grey in life and I embrace that there is - it would be wrong to insist otherwise...just wouldn't it be easier if everything could be put in a clean and organized pile? mmm...piles...) Anyway, off topic. I don't do any of that anymore (maths/sciences). But I realized that I AM still using my mind. I'm not using it in an academic way (who says academia is the only important place in the world?) but I am using it. I do problem solving every.single.day. I spend hours wondering why my baby isn't sleeping....still.isn't.sleeping...why isn't she sleeping yet? I analyze her schedule and her sleep cues and tweak this and that until it works. I pore over details of my two year old's personality, trying to figure out why she doesn't care to use the potty and what might motivate her to choose porcelain over fabric for her elimination needs. I wonder why my 5 year old is so shy and why he won't speak or let people see who he is and wonder how I can help him grow to be confident. (oh wait, he's just like me...) I search my mental database on a regular basis for the perfect stain treatment to get out various stains from my children's (and husband's) clothes. I am constantly learning new things about the best way to clean something or cook something or make something. I am no gourmet cook, but I have learned many things about cooking since I got married and rarely use recipes anymore - unless I'm baking. There's something about baking that just doesn't turn out quite right if you don't have the right amount of baking soda or flour or whatever...and I just haven't mastered the "feel" of baking without a recipe yet. Gardening...I'm still in the beginning stages of learning what works and what doesn't and all that is involved in getting a good crop year after year. How are these things any less valuable than things you learn in a classroom? I submit that they are not. I don't care that some people don't value home-making as a full time job. I am going to rock home-making out of this world!

So there.

Speaking of homemaking...our house is a disaster (though I do believe making a HOME and taking care of a HOUSE can be two different things...but I digress). Here's a random story for you...because it's late and I ramble pointlessly when I'm tired. We had someone stop by unannounced this morning (the risk of getting a new phone number and people still having the old number in their phone) and I was SO embarrassed at the state of our house. There was a pile of tomatoes on the kitchen floor because I'd just been sorting out the red tomatoes from the green to make pizza sauce today. There were dirty diapers on the floor because I hadn't taken them downstairs to the diaper pail yet that morning. There were crayons on the floor, papers from kids colouring all over the floor, half-eaten breakfast on the table, a random pair of ear muffs for mowing the lawn on the floor, a pile of random junk on a shelf by the door, some lawn chairs leaning against the wall in our dining room, the table covered with random stuff, socks on the floor by the door, plastic bags laying around, a drill, a broom, random furniture here and there. There was stuff EVERYWHERE. And that's often how our house is these days. I usually try to tidy up if I know someone is coming over but today there was no warning. And it was fine because I'm sure she (wonderful lady, has grown kids of her own) knows we're in the middle of renos (it takes so much more time and energy to clean up when you have to FIND a place for everything rather than just return it to it's designated spot, am I right?!) and have young kids who make messes faster than I can clean them up and am in the middle of dealing with huge amounts of garden produce and have a baby who doesn't sleep which means that my usual tidy-up time in the evening is spent bouncing an overtired baby. BUT...it was hard to let her see that. I always took pride in the way our house looked. I felt like it was a direct representation of how well I was doing my job. It's as if people were thinking "you stay home all day, why WOULDN'T your house be spotless?" To that I say, wouldn't a house be more spotless if nobody was there all day? Just sayin'. ;)

Anyway... Yeah. Messy house. It drives me nuts. I think of it because I'm sitting here typing in the midst of it instead of spending the night tidying up. Haha. Yup. But that's probably enough pointless rambling for one night. If you've read this far, nice work.

One last random thought for you this evening...why did Apple make such sharp edges on the bottom of their laptops? I'm using a MacBook and the skin on the inside of my forearms is raw from the edge of the laptop cutting into my skin. Seriously Apple, you do so many things well but that edge...make it a little rounder, k?

Things I count as blessings

When I was in Bible school, fresh out of high school, I was new to managing money. I had only just gotten my first debit card and was new to financial responsibility. That said, I think I did pretty well. I headed into tuition payment with the money my parents had saved for my education and the money I'd made working a couple summers at camp. Life was good. I was fairly oblivious, checking on my balance at the beginning of each semester to make sure the funds were there and once or twice throughout the school year to double check that there was enough to see a movie with friends or to buy the shampoo/soap/pads that I needed.

Something strange sometimes happened, though, when I would check my balance. Instead of constantly going down, as would be expected when you're a student with minimal student work, my balance would sometimes jump up by a few hundred dollars. Unexpectedly and inexplicably. Now, perhaps I could have tracked down the source for these funds; they likely had a very logical explanation. But in the minimal digging that I did, I couldn't find a source and therefore began to dub the extra money, "Miracle Money." I took that money as a gift from God and gave Him the thanks for it. I always felt so blessed.

Recently, our hot water heater started acting funny. We would have warm water for part of a day and then it would seem to run out and it would just be cold for about 12-18 hours until it had a chance to warm up again. At its hottest those days, it would be just barely warm enough for a comfortable shower. Not hot enough to feel like I was getting the dishes clean or really have a nice, hot shower...but warm enough to not freeze our hands when we washed them...until it ran out. Then it was just plain cold.  Anyway, we did a little research and figured one of our elements must be shot. Our options would be to replace the element(s) or replace the entire water heater - which, considering its age, was our plan. Nathan was going to buy a water heater one Saturday but for whatever reason, he left it for Monday. On Sunday, Nathan was talking to the previous owner of our place, who suggested flipping the breaker just in case half the breaker had flipped on its own and half was still on. He admitted it was a long shot, but it couldn't hurt to try. Well, we went home after church and Nathan flipped the breaker. Then we waited. And guess what?  We're back to hot water! Was it really the breaker? Probably. I mean, it's certainly a possibility that that was the case (though I've never heard of such!). But I'm choosing to see it as God blessing us. I'm giving him thanks for not having to buy a new water heater just yet.

I'm also giving God thanks for the little things these days. Like just now, I needed a few things for supper. Last year, while living in town, I would have run to the grocery store to pick up what I needed. Of course that's a blessing, to have a grocery store near by and the money to purchase what I need. But it was so nice to head to the garden and come back with a pail full of produce. I am always amazed that I can put small seeds in the ground in spring, basically do nothing else, and then have a garden full of stuff to eat in just a matter of months. Isn't that crazy? I think it's pretty amazing. You put seeds in DIRT, and food grows. Unbelievable. Anyway, I figured I'd share what I was making for supper, since it's one of my favourites. It's one of those things that I grew up eating and is a definite comfort food for me. If you happen to have the Mennonite Treasury of Recipes, you might have seen/made it before :)

Seven Layer Dinner

Layer thinly sliced potatoes in bottom of casserole dish (about 1/2"). 

Add a layer of thinly sliced onions. 

Next a layer of thinly sliced carrots (4 or 5). 

Sprinkle on 1/4 cup rice. 

Add a layer of peas (frozen is fine). So far in this casserole, the potatoes, onion, carrots and peas are all from my garden!

Add a layer of either pork sausages or ground beef and season with salt and pepper. 

Dilute a can of tomato soup with a can of water and pour over top. Then bake, covered, at 350 for one hour. Uncover and bake for another hour then serve!  Yum!