Having kids was always something Nathan and I knew we wanted for our family. So, after just over a year of marriage, at the young ages of 21 and 23, we started trying to conceive. Six months went by. Nothing. One year. Still nothing. Two years. Now I'm starting to get worried. We started going to doctors (who refused to even talk to us until we had been trying for two full years) but didn't pursue much since, at this point, we thought that we might be moving and that a move might derail any infertility treatments we had going. And so we continued on trying to conceive on our own. Then the three year mark came and went. Still no sign of pregnancy. I started looking into fostering. I started looking into adoption. Questions of what God has in store for our family are flooding my mind. Why would God create me to be a mother if he didn't make it possible for my body to conceive a baby? Why? Surely God had a way for me to be a mother if he didn't create me to bear children biologically.
And then it happened. (And no, it didn't happen because we finally "relaxed" and stopped trying so hard.) After nearly three and a half years of trying, and month after month of heart shattering disappointment, our positive pregnancy test came. And it was shocking. And beautiful. And unexpected. But totally wanted and planned for.
I expected the previous three and a half years to just fade away. After all, now we were going to have a baby! Infertility was over! I was a mother! But somehow those years have stuck with me. The scars are still there. Six years now after giving birth to my first baby, and two more births since then, and I'm still not sure to which side I belong.
When you're in the middle of infertility, anyone with biological children is on the "other side." It feels like they couldn't possibly understand how you feel or where you're at. And, unless they've gone through that inexplicable pain of infertility themselves, then it's true. They will never know. But something I didn't anticipate is that those who have experienced infertility and now have children are in another camp yet. They have walked the road of waiting and heartache and tests and questions and disappointment. But they have also experienced that joy of welcoming a child into their family, whether that be through pregnancy or adoption or another means of becoming family. So, after years of parenting, those years of infertility fade into the background to a degree. The intensity of the feelings has faded. And yet the hurt of comments from people who didn't understand where we were at makes me never want to completely forget the road we've walked. I don't want to hurt others who are walking through infertility, but I am not completely sure anymore how to avoid it. How does one honour that part of their story, and give sensitivity to that part of the story of others, when their life has moved on and their bedrooms are full?
This is the place I'm in right now. I struggle with the announcement of our fourth child because I know that other people are still hurting and waiting for their one. And with it happening so quickly this time, I am having an especially hard time because the stories of people who get pregnant the first month they try are some of the hardest stories to hear when you're in the loneliness of a long wait. It feels like they take for granted the fact that they can get pregnant whenever they want and can plan, right down to the month, when they will add a baby to their family. And now that's us. Now we're the ones who got pregnant without a month's delay.
I feel like screaming from the mountaintops that I don't take this for granted. I know exactly how blessed we are to have not had to wait this time. I am humbled that we have been blessed with three healthy children and have another on the way. This is not something I take lightly. This is something I was never sure we would have and yet here we are. It is an enormous blessing to have been given these gifts.
If you are in the middle of infertility and are struggling to know what God has for you, know that His plans are GOOD. I don't know if His plans for you involve children or not. I know that it's hard to imagine good plans that don't involve children. But I have had enough experiences of God to know that God does know us and love us. And He does create us with desires and gifts and will use those things if we let Him. Press on. It's a lonely road. It's a really hard road. It's a confusing road. You can do it. You've got this. I'm sorry if our news has made it harder for you. I know that sometimes it is really hard to hear other people's news of pregnancy and to be truly happy for them without being sad for yourself. That's ok. It's ok if you don't congratulate me right away or even at all. I understand. I really do.
With our last pregnancy, we didn't announce on social media because we knew many people who were struggling to grow their families and we didn't want to be just another Facebook pregnancy announcement to make it harder for them. In doing that, though, we found that people were hurt because they didn't even know we were pregnant at all until our daughter arrived. We want our friends to know that we are expecting and walk this road with us and so we will announce. I won't bombard your fb feed with belly pictures or pregnancy statuses. If you want to know how things are going, just message me. I'd love to talk about it! But I hope that having me on your fb feed feels like a relatively safe thing, whether I'm pregnant or not.
We are very excited to welcome #4 to our family! April 2017, here we come!
