Madelyn - five months

Maddie is such a happy girl! She's always taking in the world around her. And she's always full of smiles and laughs! And her smiles are full body smiles! Her whole face lights up and her little arms and legs just start kicking and flailing. She even wakes up with smiles! Maddie loves to watch what's happening around her, in particular what her brother and sister are up to! I'm sure it's only a matter of time before she's right in on the action herself!

Maddie's sleep has greatly improved yet again this month. Or maybe it got worse at the beginning of the month so that by now it's feeling better again, even if it isn't at the point it was last month. This month she has started waking more often at night, up to three times. And that's not a bad number but it sure feels different than 1-2 wakings! When she does wake, though, she eats for 5 minutes and is back in bed until the next waking. I'm currently trying to do away with night feeds altogether. Since she used to do fewer, I know she can handle it! She goes to bed awake for naps and at bedtime and puts herself to sleep, usually with minimal fussing, within 5 minutes. I feel like this is a HUGE deal because not so long ago I was fighting her for hours to get her asleep! Yay, Maddie! She wakes for the day happy between 7-8am and goes to bed around 8pm. She has 2-3 naps during the day. She sleeps nights in the  playpen in our room and naps in her crib in her bedroom. And she's still swaddled. I love the swaddle!

Maddie has tried a couple "samples" of solid food this month. A fingertip of yogurt (yum!), a crumb of bread (yum!), sucking on some roast beef (double yum!). She has also had a bit of water out of a sippy cup and a regular glass. She has started reaching for our food and drinks so I figure, why not? When she does get a taste, she gets excited and reaches for more! I think this girl is going to enjoy the day she can start finger foods!

Maddie has been loving the exersaucer this month! She loves to be upright and while last month the toys were just decorations that she paid no attention to, now she gets excited when we put her in there and she starts reaching for toys right away! She reaches for any toys we hold out to her and grabs and pulls the little birdie toy that we have on her car seat. She's getting really good at holding onto toys and getting them to her mouth. Everything that touches her hand is grabbed and goes to her mouth. Poor Kayden has had her hair and glasses grabbed numerous times! Maddie doesn't spend much time in the jolly jumper, mostly because we don't have a great place to hang it. Bathroom doorway, anyone? Not the most ideal spot. If she bounced like a maniac while she was in it, I would probably make more of an effort to put it up more often but she seems to enjoy the exersaucer more and that is much easier to move around the house! She loves baths. I've started putting her in the big bathtub this month, both alone and with Levi and Kayden, because she splashes so much and covers the bathroom with water. She can definitely hold her own in the big tub. Big grin and tons of kicking the entire time! She's is also just starting to enjoy being thrown in the air. (Not that we've been doing this for a while with her not liking it...she's just finally old enough and loves the thrill! She lets go of whatever she's holding onto, pulls her knees up to her tummy and has the hugest smile/giggles. So much fun!

Maddie is getting pretty close to sitting unassisted. She can sit for a while without tipping. But then she turns her head to look at something an tips over. Or she gets excited and kicks her legs and falls back. But she's getting it! And now that she knows the joys of sitting, she doesn't like to be laid down as much. She will pull her head and legs up in a little crunch with just her diaper touching the floor and hold herself there until she can't possibly hold herself any longer. Then she will relax and happily play on her back because even second best is nothing to complain about for Maddie :) Madelyn has rolled over this month, though she doesn't do it as often as she did earlier in her 5th month. She can also turn circles on the floor by kicking her feet and shifting her body. I always put her on something soft on the floor and I often find her with her head on the hard floor a few minutes later. Whatever floats your boat, Miss Maddie!

Maddie has had a cold this month and hates having her nose wiped, though she tolerates it much better now than she did at first. She has no teeth yet and doesn't seem to be teething. She has experienced her first snow this month, though being bundled in a car seat is hardly "experiencing" it! (That's how I'd like to experience snow every winter if I have to at all!)

At her last immunization, which was about a week after 4 months, she was 14lbs 1oz and 24" tall so my guess is that's she's maybe close to 15lbs by now? It's hard to say and I haven't done the unofficial bathroom scale weigh with her. She is wearing 6 month sleepers, 6 or 6-12 month tops and 3-6, 6, or 6-12 month bottoms. Her eyes are quite dark but not a true brown yet. They still have a little grey in the so we will see how they end up! I think Levi's were quite brown by this age already and Kayden's were lighter.

Madelyn is quite an easy-going baby, though she does still pick her moments to make strange or become overwhelmed when there is too much strange activity. Then we have tears. But mostly she is quiet and observing. If she is with you and all is quiet or she's alone, she will make such happy noises - shrieks and coos - and "talk" to us. Baby noises are some of the best noises ever.   She loves singing. When I start to sing to her, her whole face lights up! I love it! 

Well, that's a glimpse of our Madelyn at 5 months. As I type this, she's sleeping in my arms because she decided to be awake right at 7am this morning and had two long naps so her schedule is thrown right off. Church mixed in also didn't help. So now we're sneaking in a third nap just after 5pm (hence the rocking) to tide her over til bedtime. She's such a lovely, warm bundle. 

Maddie, we love you. We're so glad God chose you to be part of our family! Happy 5 months, my girl. I look forward to your personality coming out even more over the coming month!

A peek into my mind as a stay at home mom...

I wrote this last night but figured I would wait until the light of day to see if I still have the guts to share it. Everyone wants to feel like they're good at what they do, and moms are no exception. But when there's no job description or even much time for stepping back for some perspective, it can be tough.

"I always forget just how out-of-it I feel at various points in the first year after having a baby. I go through depression, exhaustion, guilt, lack of motivation, discouragement - and of course love and joy that burst through my chest, and moments of peace too. But those negative ones always take me by surprise and make me feel like I've always been like this and like I always will be. It's hard. Those hormones get to my mind every time. I wish they wouldnt. It's so hard to be a good mom when you don't always feel like you have a clear mind. I feel overwhelmed by stuff and I know that it really shouldn't be getting to me like that. Or the kids will ask to do a simple activity like paint and it'll feel like they've asked me to climb a mountain. Why is it so hard? I don't feel like I'm that tired or draggy. I always pictured myself as the mom who drew no limits when it came to kids and crafts/activities and their creativity. And yet, they're at the stage right now where they need so much help and don't have long attention spans so I barely have time to get them set up and it's time to start cleaning up already because they're done. I also feel like I'm constantly being pulled in at least 2-3 different directions at once. It's not unusual to have supper going on the stove, Maddie crying in her crib because she doesn't want to nap, Kayden at my feet saying "I want you to HOLD me!" and then Levi asking me to watch something or read something or just poking Kayden to get her to scream. In those moments I just feel like it's too much. If I go to Maddie, supper will either burn or be pushed later. If I let her cry, her nap will be even later and it will be harder to get her to sleep because she will be that much more tired. If I let supper go later, I've got two other grumpy kids and chances are, Nathan has a meeting to get to so supper needs to happen at a certain time. I can't very easily hold Kayden while I'm cooking but that's most often when she asks to be held and I don't want her to feel like I always say "not now." Levi is the least of my worries but he's insistent so finally I snap at him then feel bad because all he wanted is a bit of attention. I love the chaos and it also feels like too much sometimes. It makes me feel like I'm losing my mind. How can you love something that makes you so crazy? I don't know.

"Today my one goal was to clean Levi's room. If I'd used quiet time for it, it probably could have taken half an hour. But instead I chose to use quiet time to do some computer stuff which is harder to do while kids are awake. And Levi's room ended up taking all day. Between a couple loads of laundry, getting meals and snacks, reading stories, taking potty, nursing Maddie, putting kids down for naps, feeding animals, burning garbage, dressing kids, changing diapers, doing Kayden's hair...there were only snippets of time here and there to do it. And when the kids are around where I'm working...well, I hold Maddie because she's fussy but then only have one hand to clean. I sort things into piles but the kids always find interesting things in the piles and then they aren't piles anymore. I need to move something across the room and there are little bodies in the way. I also hoped to clean the disaster that is the basement (has been for a month or so) but that didn't get touched. *sigh*

"It's hard to know if you're doing a good job as a mother. Your kid has trouble in school and you wonder if it's your fault. Your daughter is sad and wants to go to bed without lunch - is she just tired or is she sad because you don't spend enough time with her? I try to take time to be attentive to the kids, to read them stories and to listen to them but there's a lot of work to do in running a house too. Some things just need to get done. I try to involve them where I can - baking, cleaning...but they don't always want to do what needs to be done and I sometimes just want to get something done without "help." I wish the lack of accomplishments in a day and the number of piles of clutter were an indication of the time I've poured into my children instead. And while I know that's exactly what the piles and unfinished projects are, I always fear that the kids still feel like I'm too busy. Where's the balance? My work and my life are one and the same. There is no "40 hours a week" when it comes to raising children and making a home. No job description to tell you how you're doing, to measure yourself against. I hope that our children will look back on happy childhoods. I hope that they will be well-adjusted adults. I hope that they will know how much I love them. I hope that they will feel like I always had time for them. The most I can do is try my best every day and hope that I'm not making any huge mistakes. Oh that my children would be able to say:

"We always knew she loved us.
"She always had time to listen.
"We each knew we were her favourite."

I didn't write this for sympathy or in hopes that anything will change. I just know that I often feel alone in this chaos but know that there must be other moms out there who feel the same way. Be encouraged, other moms. Nobody has their life all perfectly together. And if they do, they have children who sleep like angels or they only have one child (because we all know that fewer children automatically means easier - NOT) or they just simply poop unicorns. I'm pretty sure anyone who is a mom feels like their life is running a bit amuck. And I just want all those moms who are falling apart to know that it's ok. And you're not alone.