Infertility - 10 years later

When Nathan and I started out on the road to growing our family (10 years ago this fall!), I had no idea what the journey would look like. I had no idea that it would take so long to get pregnant the first time. I had no idea the heartache that wait would involve. And I had no idea the lasting effects that infertility would have on me. 

Having kids was always something Nathan and I knew we wanted for our family. So, after just over a year of marriage, at the young ages of 21 and 23, we started trying to conceive. Six months went by. Nothing. One year. Still nothing. Two years. Now I'm starting to get worried. We started going to doctors (who refused to even talk to us until we had been trying for two full years) but didn't pursue much since, at this point, we thought that we might be moving and that a move might derail any infertility treatments we had going. And so we continued on trying to conceive on our own. Then the three year mark came and went. Still no sign of pregnancy. I started looking into fostering. I started looking into adoption. Questions of what God has in store for our family are flooding my mind. Why would God create me to be a mother if he didn't make it possible for my body to conceive a baby? Why? Surely God had a way for me to be a mother if he didn't create me to bear children biologically. 

And then it happened. (And no, it didn't happen because we finally "relaxed" and stopped trying so hard.) After nearly three and a half years of trying, and month after month of heart shattering disappointment, our positive pregnancy test came. And it was shocking. And beautiful. And unexpected. But totally wanted and planned for. 

I expected the previous three and a half years to just fade away. After all, now we were going to have a baby! Infertility was over! I was a mother! But somehow those years have stuck with me. The scars are still there. Six years now after giving birth to my first baby, and two more births since then, and I'm still not sure to which side I belong. 

When you're in the middle of infertility, anyone with biological children is on the "other side." It feels like they couldn't possibly understand how you feel or where you're at. And, unless they've gone through that inexplicable pain of infertility themselves, then it's true. They will never know. But something I didn't anticipate is that those who have experienced infertility and now have children are in another camp yet. They have walked the road of waiting and heartache and tests and questions and disappointment. But they have also experienced that joy of welcoming a child into their family, whether that be through pregnancy or adoption or another means of becoming family. So, after years of parenting, those years of infertility fade into the background to a degree. The intensity of the feelings has faded. And yet the hurt of comments from people who didn't understand where we were at makes me never want to completely forget the road we've walked. I don't want to hurt others who are walking through infertility, but I am not completely sure anymore how to avoid it. How does one honour that part of their story, and give sensitivity to that part of the story of others, when their life has moved on and their bedrooms are full? 

This is the place I'm in right now. I struggle with the announcement of our fourth child because I know that other people are still hurting and waiting for their one. And with it happening so quickly this time, I am having an especially hard time because the stories of people who get pregnant the first month they try are some of the hardest stories to hear when you're in the loneliness of a long wait. It feels like they take for granted the fact that they can get pregnant whenever they want and can plan, right down to the month, when they will add a baby to their family. And now that's us. Now we're the ones who got pregnant without a month's delay. 

I feel like screaming from the mountaintops that I don't take this for granted. I know exactly how blessed we are to have not had to wait this time. I am humbled that we have been blessed with three healthy children and have another on the way. This is not something I take lightly. This is something I was never sure we would have and yet here we are. It is an enormous blessing to have been given these gifts. 

If you are in the middle of infertility and are struggling to know what God has for you, know that His plans are GOOD. I don't know if His plans for you involve children or not. I know that it's hard to imagine good plans that don't involve children. But I have had enough experiences of God to know that God does know us and love us. And He does create us with desires and gifts and will use those things if we let Him. Press on. It's a lonely road. It's a really hard road. It's a confusing road. You can do it. You've got this. I'm sorry if our news has made it harder for you. I know that sometimes it is really hard to hear other people's news of pregnancy and to be truly happy for them without being sad for yourself. That's ok. It's ok if you don't congratulate me right away or even at all. I understand. I really do. 

With our last pregnancy, we didn't announce on social media because we knew many people who were struggling to grow their families and we didn't want to be just another Facebook pregnancy announcement to make it harder for them. In doing that, though, we found that people were hurt because they didn't even know we were pregnant at all until our daughter arrived. We want our friends to know that we are expecting and walk this road with us and so we will announce. I won't bombard your fb feed with belly pictures or pregnancy statuses. If you want to know how things are going, just message me. I'd love to talk about it! But I hope that having me on your fb feed feels like a relatively safe thing, whether I'm pregnant or not.

We are very excited to welcome #4 to our family! April 2017, here we come!

Madelyn - One year!

Happy birthday, Madelyn! One year ago today, your Daddy and I got up bright and early at Grandma and Grandpa McCorkindale's house and got ready to meet you. We went over to the hospital and a few hours later you were born! We finally got to meet our Madelyn Amia!

In the past year, you've changed a lot! You started out just 6lbs 7oz and now you're almost 19 lbs! You've grown so much taller and stronger. Now you can sit and stand and roll around and even climb! You can get wherever you want either by scooting on your bum or crawling on your hands and knees (if it's soft enough for your knees, you crawl...otherwise you let your bum and legs do all the work). Your hair has grown a little bit since you were born but not a whole lot! You never did lose much of your hair and it has stayed fairly dark, though it is lightening up a little bit from the sun this summer. Your eyes have always been dark and now are completely brown. Big, beautiful brown eyes!

You love to talk now. You're not very talkative but you do have your words that you like to say. Some of the words you've been saying this month are "UP!" "mum-mum-mum" "naaa"(night-night game) and "uh-oh." Your laugh is so contagious! Levi and Kayden are the best at making you laugh. They play games with you until you're laughing so so hard. Daddy and I can also get you to laugh but tickling you is what works for us.

Your favourite toys right now are your stuffies. You have a special lamb named "Lambie" who you love to snuggle with and "pat" (you pat it's back while it's snuggled up to your cheek). You understand the words "Lambie" "hug" and "pat." You love all stuffies in the house but Lambie seems to be your favourite. You especially enjoy going to sleep with him. When you have him snuggled up to your cheek at night, you just reach for your bed so you can go to sleep.

Speaking of sleep, this month has been a dream! This month you finally started sleeping through the night! I decided to just let you cry so you could learn that you don't need me to feed you to go back to sleep. The first night was tough. You cried for two hours. It was really hard to listen to you cry but after that you slept until morning. The next night you cried for an hour and a half but you didn't cry as hard and after that you slept until morning. The third night you didn't cry during the night at all! And since then, you have slept through the night every night! Mama is so happy that we're both getting more rest. You take one nap every day and it's usually 1.5-2.5 hours long. You have become such a wonderful sleeper!

You are also a wonderful eater! You started drinking cow's milk this month and liked it right from the first taste. You also love to drink out of your water cup. You were weaned just two nights ago and are doing really well with that too! You eat whatever food we are eating at the table during meals and also enjoy morning and afternoon snacks, and yogurt for bedtime snack. You do not like beans, those come right back out. You really enjoy fruit like strawberries (you shove the whole berry in your mouth!), blueberries, grapes and saskatoons. You also get really excited when you see me get out the raisin container.

When you get excited about things, you can hardly contain yourself. You almost jump out of our arms and make a very excited "ooh!" noise. I just can't help but smile and laugh when I see your excitement over things like the microwave, the raisin container, shoes, animals, light switches, and your bedroom window! You're fairly apprehensive in new situations and especially with new people. You cling pretty tightly to Daddy or me when you're unsure. It's good that you know where you're safe. That's not a bad thing.

It has also been fun to watch you start to figure out the world around you. You know that socks and shoes go on feet, that hats go on heads, that glasses go on heads/faces. You try to put lids on containers and smaller objects into larger ones. You clean up toys when you see someone else cleaning up...and then you take each thing out again one at a time. All these things sound so simple but I've been watching you since you couldn't even hold up your own head so these things are a big deal right now! We're celebrating how you're learning and growing and changing every day!

You had the flu for the first time this month. It made you a little less happy than usual, but after a couple days you were right back to your regular, easy-going self. I think you are also working on your fifth and sixth teeth so that must not feel great either!

You are such a joy to have around, Maddie. We all love you so much. Your brother and sister thank Jesus for you every night and still fight to be the one to play with you first. Your curiosity makes us smile and, while it can feel like a bit much sometimes, I thank God that you're healthy enough to be curious!

Madelyn - 11 months

 Madelyn is 11 months old! Happy almost birthday, dear girl! She has come so much closer to being a toddler rather than a baby this month. She still looks fairly "baby" since she doesn't have much hair yet, is still small for her age and doesn't walk yet. But you can just tell that she's maturing and growing up (way too quickly)!

When I thought about taking pictures this month, I wasn't sure how I was going to get her to stay in one spot long enough to take pictures. This girl would rather move and touch and get to whatever it is that catches her eye. She bum-scoots pretty much anywhere she wants to go, the exception being Kayden's bedroom carpet, where she flops to her hands and knees and crawls. It's a thick, shaggy carpet so it's no surprise she has adjusted her way of moving on there. The crawling is new this month. She still prefers to scoot but at least she knows how to crawl now! She rolls easily both ways and can sit up from laying down (also new this month I think?). She also climbs us and makes her way into our laps when we're sitting on the floor. She can pull herself up and is doing that more every day. One day this month, I was washing Kayden's hair in the tub and my elbow bumped something and I looked and Maddie was standing at the tub beside me! I hadn't even noticed her there! She doesn't walk along walls yet but can stand for quite a while once she's up. She's not very confident getting back down but can flop to her bum if she must (ie: if she is left alone and forgotten somewhere for too long).

Maddie continues to be our shyest baby yet. She can hardly stand new people looking at her and talking to her. She usually rests her head on my shoulder when people talk to her and if they come too close, she will hide her face in my chest. Melts this mama's heart! It seems to be hardest on her when people come to our house. If she is not being held by me when new people arrive, she will usually burst into tears within minutes of their arrival. If she's with me, she's fine, but if she's just on the floor or in her high chair, it's tears every time. She seems to be a little less shy when we're away from home, but still very clingy. She knows the four of us in her family and is comfortable with any of us but pretty much anyone else is still suspect and receives a good dose of hesitation from our Madelyn.

We've discovered this month that Maddie is a jealous baby. One day recently I was holding Levi in my arms on the kitchen floor while the rest of the family was sitting on the floor around us. He'd gotten hurt so I was being a mama and making it better. As soon as Maddie noticed that someone else was in my arms, she was crying and trying to climb in between! Levi was fine by then so I sent him to Nathan and once Maddie was calmed down (which was quick once Levi was away from me), I set her back on the floor and she went back to playing happily. I quietly motioned for Levi to come back to me and I held him again. It didn't take long before she was trying to push him out of my arms again, crying! Levi went back and forth between me and Nathan a few times, and each time he came to me she had the same reaction! It happened again in church yesterday, which I just find hilarious! Silly girl. Surely she's seen me holding her siblings before now!

Maddie is really starting to make certain connections now. She tries to put the cap back on a glass bottle that we have in the cupboard. She finds socks and puts them on top of her feet. Today she dumped my bucket of clothespins so I started putting them back in. She noticed what I was doing and started helping me put the clothespins back in! It's little things like that that make me realize that my baby is growing up. She often notices what we're doing and will copy. Another time I was holding my hand in the shower door waiting for the water to warm up. I looked down and she was sitting on the floor, holding her hand in the door just like I was! She also spits out whatever is in her mouth when I put my hand under her lips and often reaches out with things in her hand to show me what she has. If I put out my hand, she will put whatever she has into my hand so I can see it, then quickly takes it back! 

 She is also copying us vocally, though this is a slower progression than actions for her. She will say "da! da!" (dance dance) while swaying side to side. She has just started saying "da-daaa"(night niiiight) and laying her head to one side because we play a game with her where we say "night niiiight!" and she lays her head down, usually while she's in her high chair. You can tell that's what she's trying to say, even though it's just the "da" sound because she says it just like we say it to her! I'm sure she's also connecting the "dada" sound to Nathan for Daddy which is always a special step. She also says the "mama" sound, though I'm not sure if it is still in connection to me or if it's just an especially good sound for making bubbles (do it really slowly with a lot of spit in your mouth while blowing out a little and you'll know what I mean).

New things Maddie has done this month...she has played in the dirt in the garden. She has eaten a lot of dirt in the garden. She has gone for more walks in the stroller this month than she has in her entire life so far, I think. She has played on the trampoline and swung in a swing. She loves the swing and started out loving the trampoline too (she would sit and bounce herself as soon as her bum hit the tarp) but she got bounced onto her face by her energetic brother twice in one day and now she is not a fan. First wheelbarrow ride (I think). First time at camp.

Madelyn still makes the kissy face/noise whenever she sees animals (and when she sees Nathan...maybe she associates it with calling animals AND kissing daddy?). She gets so excited whenever she sees animals but so many months of watching them through the deck door may mean that it'll take some adjustment for her to actually enjoy touching them. She was safe through the glass but isn't quite so sure about these animals crawling into her lap and licking her arms and legs. That is still a bit much for her. I do hope that she will grow to love animals the way her brother and sister do though. How can you live in the country and not at least love kittens and puppies?!

Maddie loves dolls and stuffies. Whenever she finds something soft, she will hold it up to her right cheek, lean her head into it, and pat it. Cutest.thing.ever. She loves to explore and carry things around the house, dropping them in random places. It means I always have the most strange and random things in the most strange and random places, but it's a fun reminder that I have little people living here with me who are learning and growing. What a privilege! Of course, it doesn't always feel like a privilege when I'm constantly stepping on things and cleaning up after them. BUT...it's all about constantly refocusing and seeing the light, right?

 Maddie eats almost everything we eat. We just plunk whatever we're eating on her tray during mealtimes and she eats it. So she eats each meal with us plus I try to give her a morning and afternoon snack of solids. She is also still nursing about four times a day and once or twice at night. She can easily go three hours between daytime feeds, sometimes even four hours. But when it's time to eat, this girl gets cranky! It's pretty much the only time she gets really fussy. She can be tired and still be pretty happy but if she wants to eat and isn't being served, get ready for some crank.

 I mentioned that Maddie still eats once or twice at night. It's usually twice a night, once around 1am and then again between 4-6. She goes to bed around 8pm, wakes for the day around 8am, and naps during the day. She has pretty much phased out her morning nap already. I am not sad to see it go. It's so much easier to do things now that it's nice outside if she doesn't have to be home and in bed for an hour and a half every morning. Church is also a lot easier now that the morning nap is gone! She goes down for her nap between 12-1 and sleeps anywhere from 1.5-3 hours. She slept through her 1am feed three times this month - all in the past week or two - so I was hopeful that maybe she would start sleeping through the night soon but the last couple nights have seen two night feeds again so I guess not. One day...

Maddie is about 19 lbs and is wearing mostly 12-18 month clothes still. I've considered just mixing the girls' clothes for summer because Kayden can still fit into some of Maddie's clothes and Maddie can wear some of Kayden's (which are 24m-3t). I get so confused when I'm folding laundry because many of Maddie's summer clothes, Kayden was still wearing last summer! Maddie's eyes are definitely brown, though some days it looks like there's still some grey/green around the edges. She seems to tan well, no burning...such a relief to have three kids who tan instead of burn! Her hair is staying dark so far and is slowing starting to get a bit longer, mostly at the back. I haven't had to trim it yet! She has four teeth: two top front, two bottom front.

We are having so much fun watching you grow, learning who you are, and just spending our days with you, Madelyn! You are a very special girl and we love every day that we have with you. You are so joyful and curious. So funny and so beautiful. We love you!

Madelyn - 10 months

Maddie is 10 months. By now she is called "Maddie" far more often than "Madelyn." Though when people ask what her name is, I always still say Madelyn :) The kids have been going through a phase of calling her "Madster" which I don't love. It's cute because it's them (and Nathan) and because I know/hope it won't last forever! Maddie has changed so much this month. I know change is always happening but I feel like she has made some leaps this month in particular! 

Maddie rolls easily now whenever she is in a position she doesn't want to be in. It made taking pictures a lot more difficult this month! She is bum-scooting all over the house with ease. She's pretty fast! She loves to make her way into the kids' rooms whenever she sees that the doors are open. There is a lot of Lego in Levi's room so we try to be good about leaving the door closed but sometimes it's just too easy to forget! She is also starting to pull herself up. I put her in a cardboard box the other night as I was putting the older kids to bed and the next thing I knew she was standing in the box! I sat her down and she did it right away again! So we lowered her crib mattress first thing the next day. And of course she hasn't pulled herself up since. But she is getting close and I'm happy to know that I won't get that dreaded surprise of walking into her room and seeing her standing in her crib, leaning over the rail by her waist! She has also started climbing into our laps when we are sitting on the floor and hugging our legs when she wants to be picked up. So sweet!

Maddie has been imitating actions even more this month. I was holding Maddie while Levi was explaining something the other day. He was swinging his arms to explain to me and once he was done, Maddie started swinging her arms the same way. She also raises her arms above her head when she sees us doing it. 

We have also noticed Maddie imitating sounds and words! She says "dis" when she is given something she finds interesting. She says "da" or "das" when she hears music. This is accompanied by rocking side to side, her "dancing." When we dance with her then stop, she kicks her legs (knees up to chest then kicked back out) so much to get us to dance with her again. She also does that when she's excited, usually when she sees someone in our family or the animals. We can also hear her little "ahhh..." Coming from her car seat as we drive down washboard roads. It's a beautiful sound, a baby's voice! 

Speaking of animals, Maddie loves to sit at the deck door and watch the cats. She likes to watch Lennox too but is a bit afraid of him up close, though I think she is getting used to him now that we are outside more. Whenever we ask Maddie, "where are the kitties?" she looks toward the deck door and sucks on her lips to make the kitty calling sound. It's really cute! I sometimes ask her where the kitties are just to get her to do it. She's pretty good at it! 

Maddie has finally stretched out her feeds longer than every two hours. Until this month, I couldn't leave her for longer than that because she would need to nurse again. Suddenly this month she seemed to be ok to go a little longer so I started leaving her until she fussed for a feed and she can go 3-4 hours! Last month she would still start fussing at the 2 hour mark. She is eating a lot more solids now. She eats every meal with us in her high chair. We just give her what we're eating and she does great with it. I've started giving her yogurt for night snack every night and she is doing really well with it. One kid can't have yogurt because her body can't digest it properly and the other kid it really helps. Bizarre! She loves to drink water out of a sippy cup or straw...she can do both easily by now. She picked them up with no help from us. I guess that's a third child thing!

When Maddie started spacing out her feeds, I was hopeful that she would start waking less at night. No such luck. She is still waking twice a night to eat. She usually goes right back to sleep after a feed but a couple times lately she has just cried for 1.5-2 hours during the night. I'm getting to the point where it would be really really nice to sleep through the night again but I guess it's not to be just yet. Perhaps I'll muster all my strength and try night weaning this month. I anticipate tears and less sleep through that process because that just seems to be how Maddie rolls so we'll see. Maybe I'll just see if I can wait it out and she will start sleeping on her own. Maddie naps once or twice a day. Her 1.5 hour morning and afternoon naps seem to be a thing of the past. These days she sometimes takes two naps but they are rarely both a good length of she does. But this does mean that she can skip her morning nap fairly easily and usually make up for it with a good afternoon nap. She goes to bed around 8pm and is up around 7:30-8:30am. 

Maddie has four teeth, two top front and two bottom front. She weighs about 18lbs and is approx 25-26" tall. She is wearing 12m or 12-18m clothes. It was strange getting out the 12-18 month clothes because these are the clothes that I just took out of Kayden's closet last spring! Whenever I'm folding laundry, I have to think twice about whose room the clothes are going to! 

Maddie is such a joy. She is usually happy, though has been fighting a cold and perhaps getting some teeth lately so has been a bit fussier. She's a girl who knows what she wants and we hear about it when she isn't happy about something. But overall she is pretty laid back. She laughs easily and smiles all the time. She loves to play with her brother and sister. She has started noticing pictures of them around the house and gets so excited whenever she looks at them! She is an excellent traveller most of the time. She will still sometimes cry in the van, but not nearly as often as she used to. She has picked up a squinty eyed smile this month. She squishes up her face and grins with her four teeth showing. It gets me every time. She also went through a phase of clucking her tongue, but that seems to be replaced by the lip sucking kitty noise at the moment. This girl is curious and loves to explore the house now that nothing is too far for her to access. She is pretty good about boundaries, thankfully. She has only gotten into my plants a few times and has yet to tumble down the stairs into the entrance,despite sitting right on the edge all the time. 

Happy 10 months, Maddie! We love you so much and look forward to seeing what you learn and experience in the coming month! 

Madelyn - 9 months

 
Nine months in, nine months out. This always seems like a significant age for some reason. I'm not sure why. I guess it's hard to believe she grew in me for as long as we've now known her face to face. As long as the nine months of pregnancy can be, I'd say these nine months are longer. So much has changed! She is growing and developing and changing and learning so much!

Maddie is usually a happy girl. She does like to let us know when she's not happy though. If I leave the room or don't feed her quite soon enough, we will definitely hear about it! But she remains easy to console...by mama. She's definitely a mama's girl. She doesn't always like it when other people hold her though it seems like she may be getting a bit more relaxed about that? I'm not sure. Not too many other people hold her so we don't have much chance to test it. If I'm in sight, I'm the only one she wants. It makes me feel special, of course, but it can also get tiring when I just need to get something done or to take Levi or Kayden to the bathroom during church. Please just let me leave you with someone for 5 minutes! 

Maddie has started bum scootching in the last couple weeks. Nothing is safe anymore. She has helped herself to plant leaves and yesterday I found her with a mouthful of dirt from one of my plants. Yum. My favourite is when she spots something of Levi's or Kayden's (usually their snack). Her eyes lock on it and she starts moving her little booty across the floor to get it, never once looking away from her prize. She is a girl on a mission. She isn't scared of stairs so we are training ourselves to always close the door at the top of the basement stairs. I have found her at the top of the entrance stairs twice now, just ready to go over head first. But it's wide enough that a regular gate won't fit so I guess she will just have to learn to respect the stairs the hard way. Luckily there are only two steps :)

Maddie is wearing mostly 12 month size clothes. She is about 18 lbs. Her hair is getting a bit thicker and longer, though it's definitely not close to haircut stage yet! She has three teeth, one of those is new this month. And her eyes are very dark but not completely brown. They almost have some green or grey in them. Beautiful is what I would call them! 

Madelyn is eating fairly well, though is starting to get a bit pickier. She used to gobble down her evening oatmeal and these days she barely takes a dozen bites - and the bites I do get into her are snuck in while she's busy playing with everything else. She eats most of the food we eat, or parts of each of our meals at least. For example, if we are having farmer sausage with rice and veggies, she will have some rice and veggies. I'm not doing many purees at all. So maybe that's why she's less interested in oatmeal...she would rather be feeding herself finger food! She does like the squishy pouches of purees fruit though. Of course. Even the older kids like those! She still nurses about every two hours during the day, sometimes stretching it out to 3-4 hours but not consistently, and twice at night.

Maddie had her first stay in a hotel this month. I wasn't sure what to expect having all three kids in one room but it went really well! She also had her first and second swims in a pool. She isn't a fan of the cold water and keeps a death grip on me the entire time. But once we go into the hot tub, she loosens right up and starts splashing and having fun. She also loves her baths, still, and almost jumps out of my arms when we walk into the bathroom while the tub is filling. 

Maddie's sleep has not been its best this month. She went through a week or two when she refused her morning nap completely and was having short afternoon naps. Thankfully that passed. She got sick and I think that helped :) She's also added a 10:30-11pm waking to her 2:30am and 6:30am wakings. Not cool. I try not to feed her at that first waking but then it sometimes turns what could be a short waking into a 2 hour cry-fest. So I don't know how to encourage her to sleep through til at least 2:30am. So she's up a bit more in the night than I'd like, and sometimes up for a while, but hopefully sleeping through is on the horizon. She blessed me with one sleep-through this month. It.was.glorious.  She is 100% a tummy sleeper. I don't even bother putting her on her side anymore because she often rolled to her back instead and that just kept her awake. If she is restless in the night, she will roll to her back and that wakes her up more so I'd like her to learn to sleep both ways. It seems sleep is an ongoing topic in our house. We've officially ditched the swaddle this month! She is now sleeping well with only her torso wrapped snugly in a blanket. And I'm in no hurry to change that because it actually keeps her warm while she moves around her crib during the night! That said, we might switch it out for a sleep sack in the next few weeks and see how that goes. Anyway, enough about sleep! 

Maddie has become a better traveller, for the most part. She usually doesn't cry while in the van. That said, we took a trip to swift current this month and she cried the whole last hour home. So she likes to keep us guessing. 

Maddie loves to move to music. It is the cutest thing. She hears music and her little body bounces up and down. Picture little sitting up ab crunches. Sit up straight, and slouch, straight, and slouch. She also loves the words "bang" "bonk" and "shake." She always grins when she hears them and has actions for each of them. Speaking of words, some that she's said this month are "da" "ba" "mama" and "uh-oh!" It's the best to hear her start to make words and sounds. She has really started imitating us a lot this month. If she notices me bobbing my head to music, she will often copy. She will copy sounds that she hears. And if we put our arms above our heads, she will do the same. Babies are always learning at this age. It's such a fun age!

We usually call Madelyn "Maddie" but the kids have started calling her "Madster." At first I really hoped it wouldn't stick but hearing them, especially 3 year old Kayden, saying "Hey Madster..." it's pretty adorable. Levi and Kayden like to play a "night night" game with Maddie at mealtimes. They say "night night, Maddie" and she lays her head down on her high chair tray and then they say "wake up!" and she pops her head up with a big smile. They are so so good with her. They often fight over who is going to play with her or talk to her. Sharing her doesn't seem to be an option. Levi has been babysitting her in his room during quiet time which gives me a bit of a break after lunch. He begs to have her so I tell him if he has his Lego all cleaned up, he can have her. Double win for me! Clean room AND babysitting for the low cost of one jelly bean!

Maddie is a joy to parent. She loves her family and loves animals and loves music. She is cuddly and funny and adorable. Happy 9 months, Maddie! We love you!

Self-care and the Christian

I often remember back to an experience we had in a previous church where Nathan worked. Near the end of our time there, we were given an opportunity to seek healing and receive some intentional pouring into our lives. During this time, Nathan was needing to find other employment for a period of time. Part of the church's offering to us was the offer of their help to find Nathan a job. We felt this was a generous and caring offer but nothing ever came of it. Nathan did end up finding a job fairly quickly, but with no movement from the church. When we expressed our frustration to someone (outside our church) who we were talking with, his response was "Did Nathan find a job? Then I guess you didn't need their help." That response has always stuck with me. I felt put in my place. But when we offer to help someone, are we only obligated to actually follow through on giving that help if they can't do it themselves? It's one thing if the offer is to help if help is needed but I specifically remember the offer from our church being unconditional. When I offer someone help, I give help whether or not they can manage on their own. Help is given for love's sake, not necessarily out of necessity.

I have recently started thinking about how this applies to our relationship with God. God offers to help us. So how much should we rely on that help? Should we ask for His help in everything, regardless of whether we can do it on our own? Or should we try to make it on our own and only ask for the offered help if we find we can't manage? Should I be taking steps to greater personal health (healthy routine, stillness, self-care) before crying out to God? How self-reliant should I be? How dependent should I be?

(a few hours later)
I've been thinking lately about how I, as a pastor's wife, can make the most of the sabbatical time that is coming later this year. It would seem a shame for Nathan to be refreshed spiritually/physically/emotionally and not be able to be refreshed as a couple/family at the same time. So, to look for ideas of how to join in the sabbatical, I googled "sabbatical for pastor's wife." I came across a blog post titled "The Introverted Pastor's Wife." It wasn't about sabbatical, but it was a good read. In her post, the author talks about how she has learned how to care for herself and find balance in the "pastor's wife" role. Once I was done reading, I kept scrolling through the comments section. After a few positive comments, there were a few that weren't so supportive. One commenter in particular seemed to be quite against the post. She called the terms "introvert" and "extrovert" merely popular psychology and something to be avoided entirely. She said that God created us to have the sole identity of "children of God" and anything else should not define us (we shouldn't identify as either intro/extroverted because God didn't make us like that). She said that if we are looking to anything but Jesus for rest (time alone or with people should not be sought out specifically as a source of rest), that it is sinful and we need to repent. She basically seemed to have the mindset that we need to give of ourselves for Jesus with no concern for our personal well-being (because Jesus is all we need and provides for all our needs). And while I agree in part, I couldn't help but be reminded of what I had just written here a couple hours earlier!

So where on earth does that leave things?? Should I not pursue anything that is life-giving? Does my being refreshed in stillness/alone-ness mean nothing? Should I say yes to every opportunity with no thought to my sanity? Does God not create different people with different personalities and passions for a reason? And didn't Jesus himself withdraw to spend time with the Father without anyone else present?

Lord, what do You expect of me? What standard do You hold me to? Do You have different expectations in different cultures (this commenter and the women she was representing are from the UK)?

Is it wrong of me to say no to some ministry opportunities and choose to be involved in the ones that I feel like I can pour myself into wholeheartedly or the ones that I feel God nudging me into, perhaps despite my comfort zone? Is it missing the goal to try to feel refreshed spiritually instead of "dying to self" every day? What is dying to self? Does it mean feeling worn down and tired and continuing to push because God will provide what you need/be your rest? Or does it mean that we leave behind our earthly desires and take up God's desires for the world as our own? I think, perhaps, it's the latter...

So that brings us back around to self-care. Is self-care wrong? Is self-care just us not trusting in God-care? How much should we be relying on God for help and how much should we take responsibility for our well-being? Can you rely on God fully while still practicing self-care?

Please weigh in. I'm curious to hear your thoughts. I'm obviously still working through this myself but would love some other thoughts on it to keep me thinking! What is self-care to you? What does it mean to you to rely on God as your rest/source?

Madelyn - 8 months

Madelyn is eight months old! For some reason, this new number feels so much bigger than all the other numbers she's been. This one feels so much closer to a year than five months or six months or seven. 

Maddie continues to be a mostly happy baby. She's easy going and loves to smile and laugh. She knows what she wants and puts up a fuss if she doesn't get it but overall, she's not too hard to keep happy. 

Maddie is still most comfortable with family, and perhaps more so now than even a month ago. She has been having a lot more separation anxiety and often cries if she is held by someone else, is left alone in a room with someone else, or even if new people walk into our house. She calms down very quickly in my arms and will just stare down the new people/person, watching them to become familiar with them...and probably to make sure they don't make any moves to get too friendly with her!

Maddie got her first two teeth this month! Her first one poked through on Kayden's birthday, February 4 and the next one followed just three days later. I'm not sure if the next two are on their way or not. Some days her cheeks are red and her gums seem swollen but other days I don't see anything at all. She's a pretty good teether so I have nothing to complain about. She has just come through her first big cold though, and that has not been as easy. One night at my parents' place, she woke at 10:15pm and was awake and crying until 1:45am. That was a tough night. 

Madelyn weighs about 16 lbs (complete guess!) and is wearing mostly 9-12 month clothes. She loves solid foods. I had been giving her a night snack of baby oatmeal mixed with a fruit purée (hoping to get longer sleeps) but that just plugged her up so now I'm skipping the oatmeal and just giving her fruit at night and whatever I'm eating during the day. So far it seems to be going better -though she did seem to love the oatmeal!

I made the mistake of taking pictures at nap time today. I just wanted to get them out of the way in the morning before she went to bed but that produced more tears than there would have been otherwise. Speaking of naps, Madelyn usually takes two naps that are 60-90 minutes each. Her first nap is usually around 10am and the next is around 2:30pm. She goes down for the night around 8pm and wakes for the day at around 8am. No, she is not sleeping straight through the night yet. She gave me a total of three sleep-throughs (sleep til 6:30-7, nurse, then finish the night...I'll count it as sleeping through!) this month. I have no idea what was different those nights. They give me hope that perhaps one day soon we will be sleeping through on a regular basis! She usually wakes twice in a night to eat and goes right back down. Swaddling is still a sleep cue for her but she usually comes unswaddled in the night and sleeps fine without her arms confined. She just seems to need that tight wrap to fall asleep initially. I've been trying to gently wean her from the swaddle but I don't see it as an issue so I'm not pushing it. Whatever works. 

Madelyn has become a much better traveller. She used to cry long and hard in the van while driving and now she will ride happily for hours, as long as she isn't hungry or tired. This month we went to Hudson Bay to visit my parents for a few days. She was happy the whole way there and most of the way home. So.nice.

Maddie has started saying a few words this month! I'm happy to report that her first word was "ma/mum/mama!" Yay! She also says "uh-oh," which seems to be her favourite today. She has also started with a "ta/da" sound so I'm sure "dada" is right around the corner! This is such a fun stage! 

Madelyn has learned the fun of games this month. Peek-a-boo or "Where's Maddie/Madelyn??" is a favourite. She will cover her face with a blanket (or just life something above her head) and I'll say, "Where's Madelyn??" and she will bring her arms down and grin while I say "There she is!" She will also bang something on the floor, I'll say "bang!" and she will grin and do it again. And again. And again. She's obviously starting to learn some cause and effect. Again I say, what a GREAT age! 

Maddie is starting to look like she wants to crawl. She will raise herself to hands and knees sometimes or tip from sitting to hands and bun/knees. She also likes pulling herself up while hanging onto my hands for help. When I put my hands out to help her, she gets so excited that she can't even grab them right away! Her little arms just flap so hard that she has to calm down a little bit before she can actually reach for my hands and pull herself up. When she's excited, she will flap her arms, make squealing noises (inhale squeal) or growl. I don't remember either of the other two kids growling, or at least not as much as Maddie does! That's just her noise. She does it when she's happy, she does it when she's frustrated. It's so cute! 

Happy 8 months, Madelyn Amia! We love you so much!