"I always forget just how out-of-it I feel at various points in the first year after having a baby. I go through depression, exhaustion, guilt, lack of motivation, discouragement - and of course love and joy that burst through my chest, and moments of peace too. But those negative ones always take me by surprise and make me feel like I've always been like this and like I always will be. It's hard. Those hormones get to my mind every time. I wish they wouldnt. It's so hard to be a good mom when you don't always feel like you have a clear mind. I feel overwhelmed by stuff and I know that it really shouldn't be getting to me like that. Or the kids will ask to do a simple activity like paint and it'll feel like they've asked me to climb a mountain. Why is it so hard? I don't feel like I'm that tired or draggy. I always pictured myself as the mom who drew no limits when it came to kids and crafts/activities and their creativity. And yet, they're at the stage right now where they need so much help and don't have long attention spans so I barely have time to get them set up and it's time to start cleaning up already because they're done. I also feel like I'm constantly being pulled in at least 2-3 different directions at once. It's not unusual to have supper going on the stove, Maddie crying in her crib because she doesn't want to nap, Kayden at my feet saying "I want you to HOLD me!" and then Levi asking me to watch something or read something or just poking Kayden to get her to scream. In those moments I just feel like it's too much. If I go to Maddie, supper will either burn or be pushed later. If I let her cry, her nap will be even later and it will be harder to get her to sleep because she will be that much more tired. If I let supper go later, I've got two other grumpy kids and chances are, Nathan has a meeting to get to so supper needs to happen at a certain time. I can't very easily hold Kayden while I'm cooking but that's most often when she asks to be held and I don't want her to feel like I always say "not now." Levi is the least of my worries but he's insistent so finally I snap at him then feel bad because all he wanted is a bit of attention. I love the chaos and it also feels like too much sometimes. It makes me feel like I'm losing my mind. How can you love something that makes you so crazy? I don't know.
"Today my one goal was to clean Levi's room. If I'd used quiet time for it, it probably could have taken half an hour. But instead I chose to use quiet time to do some computer stuff which is harder to do while kids are awake. And Levi's room ended up taking all day. Between a couple loads of laundry, getting meals and snacks, reading stories, taking potty, nursing Maddie, putting kids down for naps, feeding animals, burning garbage, dressing kids, changing diapers, doing Kayden's hair...there were only snippets of time here and there to do it. And when the kids are around where I'm working...well, I hold Maddie because she's fussy but then only have one hand to clean. I sort things into piles but the kids always find interesting things in the piles and then they aren't piles anymore. I need to move something across the room and there are little bodies in the way. I also hoped to clean the disaster that is the basement (has been for a month or so) but that didn't get touched. *sigh*
"It's hard to know if you're doing a good job as a mother. Your kid has trouble in school and you wonder if it's your fault. Your daughter is sad and wants to go to bed without lunch - is she just tired or is she sad because you don't spend enough time with her? I try to take time to be attentive to the kids, to read them stories and to listen to them but there's a lot of work to do in running a house too. Some things just need to get done. I try to involve them where I can - baking, cleaning...but they don't always want to do what needs to be done and I sometimes just want to get something done without "help." I wish the lack of accomplishments in a day and the number of piles of clutter were an indication of the time I've poured into my children instead. And while I know that's exactly what the piles and unfinished projects are, I always fear that the kids still feel like I'm too busy. Where's the balance? My work and my life are one and the same. There is no "40 hours a week" when it comes to raising children and making a home. No job description to tell you how you're doing, to measure yourself against. I hope that our children will look back on happy childhoods. I hope that they will be well-adjusted adults. I hope that they will know how much I love them. I hope that they will feel like I always had time for them. The most I can do is try my best every day and hope that I'm not making any huge mistakes. Oh that my children would be able to say:
"We always knew she loved us.
"She always had time to listen.
"We each knew we were her favourite."
I didn't write this for sympathy or in hopes that anything will change. I just know that I often feel alone in this chaos but know that there must be other moms out there who feel the same way. Be encouraged, other moms. Nobody has their life all perfectly together. And if they do, they have children who sleep like angels or they only have one child (because we all know that fewer children automatically means easier - NOT) or they just simply poop unicorns. I'm pretty sure anyone who is a mom feels like their life is running a bit amuck. And I just want all those moms who are falling apart to know that it's ok. And you're not alone.
"Today my one goal was to clean Levi's room. If I'd used quiet time for it, it probably could have taken half an hour. But instead I chose to use quiet time to do some computer stuff which is harder to do while kids are awake. And Levi's room ended up taking all day. Between a couple loads of laundry, getting meals and snacks, reading stories, taking potty, nursing Maddie, putting kids down for naps, feeding animals, burning garbage, dressing kids, changing diapers, doing Kayden's hair...there were only snippets of time here and there to do it. And when the kids are around where I'm working...well, I hold Maddie because she's fussy but then only have one hand to clean. I sort things into piles but the kids always find interesting things in the piles and then they aren't piles anymore. I need to move something across the room and there are little bodies in the way. I also hoped to clean the disaster that is the basement (has been for a month or so) but that didn't get touched. *sigh*
"It's hard to know if you're doing a good job as a mother. Your kid has trouble in school and you wonder if it's your fault. Your daughter is sad and wants to go to bed without lunch - is she just tired or is she sad because you don't spend enough time with her? I try to take time to be attentive to the kids, to read them stories and to listen to them but there's a lot of work to do in running a house too. Some things just need to get done. I try to involve them where I can - baking, cleaning...but they don't always want to do what needs to be done and I sometimes just want to get something done without "help." I wish the lack of accomplishments in a day and the number of piles of clutter were an indication of the time I've poured into my children instead. And while I know that's exactly what the piles and unfinished projects are, I always fear that the kids still feel like I'm too busy. Where's the balance? My work and my life are one and the same. There is no "40 hours a week" when it comes to raising children and making a home. No job description to tell you how you're doing, to measure yourself against. I hope that our children will look back on happy childhoods. I hope that they will be well-adjusted adults. I hope that they will know how much I love them. I hope that they will feel like I always had time for them. The most I can do is try my best every day and hope that I'm not making any huge mistakes. Oh that my children would be able to say:
"We always knew she loved us.
"She always had time to listen.
"We each knew we were her favourite."
I didn't write this for sympathy or in hopes that anything will change. I just know that I often feel alone in this chaos but know that there must be other moms out there who feel the same way. Be encouraged, other moms. Nobody has their life all perfectly together. And if they do, they have children who sleep like angels or they only have one child (because we all know that fewer children automatically means easier - NOT) or they just simply poop unicorns. I'm pretty sure anyone who is a mom feels like their life is running a bit amuck. And I just want all those moms who are falling apart to know that it's ok. And you're not alone.
Thank you so much for sharing, Niki.
ReplyDeleteReminds me of the truth that the experience of struggle is not relative - hard is simply hard, and we've all got our dose of it.
And kids are more resilient than we give them credit for - something that I think most moms needs to be reminded of daily!
Great post, Niki. From my perspective you are such an awesome Mom. Struggling with tough emotions or having doubts doesn't mean that you aren't giving enough, loving enough, present enough, etc. You are sacrificing your own comfort and needs constantly in your day to day life, I know you are..and I believe God sees all those struggles as evidence of your great love for your children. You are loving and serving them, Nathan, and our Savior in your perseverance.
ReplyDeleteI know it maybe is less meaningful coming from someone who can't say "I know what you are going through and it IS so hard", but...I sincerely think you are doing such a great job. Every Mom I know is too hard on themselves, it seems to me. -Katie