Part Two

In case you missed Part One:

http://nathanandniki.blogspot.ca/2017/04/it-was-just-over-four-weeks-ago-now.html?m=1

Last spring, 2016, Nathan was about to be up for a sabbatical through our church. As I mentioned briefly in our last post, we were sensing that something was coming but we didn't know what. As we headed into sabbatical, we felt as though God was telling us to put that "something" out of our minds for the time being and just focus on resting and renewing/discovering gifts and passions (without the pressure of filling a job description or meeting deadlines for a few months). We felt very clearly that we were to plan on returning to our church in fall, without being distracted by other things. So we moved forward into this time of REST with complete freedom to just enjoy this time.

Throughout the summer (sabbatical) last year, Nathan was able to spend some time working at camp, reading more than he usually has the opportunity to, and meeting with other pastors and mentors. He had hours on the mower to listen to podcasts and pray. We had evenings unending to talk together and relax together and explore what God created us to do. It was a beautiful time, truly a gift that the church gave us.


As Nathan headed back to work last fall, we were excited about trying to integrate more of Nathan's passions into the job description and perhaps delegate some of the other things to people in the church who have more of a passion for those things. We were hopeful that the something God had planted in our minds would be a shift in job description that would allow Nathan to find life and joy in his current job. Nathan is especially passionate about teaching and mentoring, about walking with people toward God. He enjoys preaching. And he's found that youth ministry isn't as energizing as it once was. As much as he loves the youth that he works with, his passions seem to be shifting. (Not so much all-nighters, late nights, and weekend events...what?!) The more we tried to work on shifting some of Nathan's roles, the more we were realizing that those areas were covered quite capably in the church and that what the church really needs is someone who actually has passion for the job Nathan was originally hired to do. There are so many kids who will be entering the youth age in the next few years...the church really needs someone who is excited and has passion about that age group.They don't need another teaching pastor.

So where would that leave us? We went back and forth for months...do we just push through and keep doing what we're doing? After all, Nathan has had years of youth pastor experience...he could practically do the job in his sleep. But does the church want to employ someone who is half asleep...especially in youth ministry? Mmm, probably not. So do we look for something else? The thought of pushing through for the sake of staying in the same (amazing/wonderful/supportive) church and community was tempting...but where does that leave us spiritually? Plus, we still had this nagging sense that there was something coming. All summer we weren't sure if this elusive something was just a shift within our church or if it was a bigger something than that. The further into fall routine we got, the greater our sense that something was, indeed, something else...but we couldn't quite figure out what.

As we put out feelers and tentatively thought about some different options, we had a hard time finding anything that sounded like that was it. At one point, Nathan was talking with a mentor and the question came up of whether he would leave his current job without knowing what was coming next. At that point, Nathan was pretty quick to say that he didn't feel like he could do that. Needless to say, I was very relieved to hear that this was his answer! With three young kids and a baby on the way, it didn't seem like the best decision to walk away from the one pay cheque we have and trade it in for...umm...a whole lot of who-knows-what!

Time continued to move forward. One option that we were quite seriously exploring through the winter, one we thought must be it, started to look like maybe it wasn't actually it. Red flags kept popping up and we kept questioning whether they were signs to back away or risks worth taking for the sake of following God. We just kept feeling more uneasy about this potential so when we got official word that someone else had been hired, we were both relieved and felt peace. That hadn't been for us. But at this point it had been a year since we started sensing that there was something coming. It had been a year since we'd started to feel God working on us and speaking to us and preparing us for what was next. So why was it still so unclear?

Fast forward a couple days past Nathan getting the phone call about not getting the job we'd been waiting to hear about: Nathan as away volunteering at an MB Mission youth program called Soar and threw out the following text to me: "what if we took a year to just travel and homeschool and do some sort of missions?" I replied instantly with an enthusiastic "YES!" See, we had been debating how to apply to other churches within the conference while currently working at one. And even if we found a way to do this without it being awkward, did we even feel like another church was where we were supposed to be? When pastoring is all you've done, it's easy to assume that if you're feeling a nudge from the Holy Spirit, it must surely be to another congregation. And sure, the job description might be closer to what Nathan was passionate about, but I know that I didn't feel a huge peace about just applying for other pastoral positions. If we were going to be working in a church, I wanted to be at the church where we already were. I didn't want to trade in one pastoral position for another one. We love our church and don't want to leave. Plus, it just didn't seem...right. So when Nathan mentioned a year's break from life (so to speak) to do something completely different and discern what might be next, it just seemed to click. Nathan got talking with some people at Soar/MB Mission and the idea of Trek came up. Trek is an MB Mission program where people can go for 6-8 month mission experiences. It is usually single 20-somethings who apply for the program but we were assured that they do accept families and that, in fact, right then there were two other families right in our province with kids our kids' ages who were interested! Hmm...this was all starting to sound...like it had been pre-planned for us? Like maybe this was an option that we needed to at least look into?

Within the week (and may I mention, only 5 weeks ago now), we had met with one of the organizers for Trek missions and she was very excited and encouraging. We prayed with a few people who gave us a verse about not fearing (I think that one was especially for me!) and told us of a vision they had of a curtain in front of us with a hole just the right size for peeking through and that we were being invited to look through and see what was on the other side. After a year of sensing this something, a peek through a curtain seemed very welcome! The more Nathan and I talked and prayed about this possibility, the more we couldn't deny the way it seemed like it had all been laid out for us.

As we talked more about the details of this venture, we kept getting the sense that this would mean leaving job and home and just going. Going...without knowing what was next. (Cue words of mentor ringing in our heads...would you leave your job without knowing what is next...without knowing where the next paycheque is coming from?) We would take turns over the next few days and weeks asking each other if we really needed to leave Nathan's job, if we really needed to sell the house. Maybe we could keep them in our back pocket somehow and have something to fall back on if we suddenly found ourselves homeless?? But we kept coming back to the same conclusion. If we get the sense that God is asking us if we are willing to step out in faith and obedience, who are we to think we need to have a backup plan? We both have a clear sense that to be truly obedient in this situation...if we're going to really DO this, we need to give up everything - our "everything" being job and beautiful acreage - and just go. We need to step out and trust that God will catch us and provide for us and our family.

Now, an interesting part of this whole journey is that we have always felt like we had a choice in this. We have never felt like God is forcing us to do this or that he would be disappointed in us if we chose to stay. We feel like God would continue to bless our ministry here. We feel like God would continue to love us the way he always has and that he wouldn't be disappointed in us if we chose the "safer" way of just hanging tight in our home and community and job. But, we also know how we've felt this past year, having the sense of something coming and how excited that has made us. How alive we have felt when we have dreamed and wondered about what it might be. To be able to use our passions and gifts FULLY, without feeling hindered by job description or anything else...how FREEING. How EXCITING! How can we not jump in with both feet? Sure, it's scary. (Especially at 3am when I'm up to pee for the fifth time and I can't fall asleep again because I'm thinking about how much needs to be done before we leave and how we're having a baby in less than a month and how we need to sell the house and find a good home for our Lennox and how are we going to pay for this and will our family be safe and where will we live after Trek is done and what will life look like a year from now???) But I have to say, every morning I wake up and feel peace. Joy. I have no doubt that this is the right decision. Yes, it seems crazy. But it also seems crazy to say "no thanks" to what God is offering for the sake of "safety." Besides, isn't safety a little bit relative? If we were to choose logistical safety...a steady paycheque and home and safe country to live in and good school for the kids...and risk our spiritual well-being, what good is that? What is more important? I would rather know that we're in the very place God has for us, despite some risks, than to be in a place that is good and comfortable (and not without risks of its own!) and feel this nagging sense of there being something else we should be doing.

It's all very hard to describe, so I hope I've done an alright job. Like I've said, this has all been building for the past year or more so to try to condense this whole journey into a conversation just seems impossible. If you have any questions, please feel free to ask! Send me a message and I'll do my best to answer. I'll condense the details (the ones we know...there are still many blanks for us too!) below before I sign off today. We have received so much support throughout the announcing of this next step for us which has been reassuring. It's always nice to feel the body of Christ surround you and lift you up, even if you're already sure of what you're doing and where you're going. To have others encourage you and pray and say "we can see God working in this" is incredibly reassuring! Please continue to pray. I'm sure there will be many more moments of "what are we doing??" and "maybe we should just stay?" before we actually head out and many prayers for peace and details to fall into place would be so appreciated!

Who: Nathan, Niki, son, daughter, daughter, baby
What: MB Mission's Trek program
Where: at this point we are in conversation with a mission in Mexico (Guadalajara)...there would be a couple weeks of training in lovely old Winnipeg before we head south
When: Nathan will continue his work at the church until end of July or so, then will be off for a bit of family time until October when we will head to Manitoba and then on to Mexico after that. We anticipate we will be back on "home soil" again next April(??)
Why: again, see above